There goes the perfect season

I was pretty sure that the phils were going to go 162-0 this year.  I guess I was wrong.  That’s too bad.

I didn’t get to see much of the game which is unfortunate because they are only on tv a handful of times a year in Vancouver.  I was catering a party and happily watching the game instead of cooking until about the 5th inning when I lost a channel battle.  It was between me, wanting to watch the phillies on channel 22 and four 8 year old girls who wanted to watch Air Bud 13 or 14 or whatever sport he is playing now on channel 50.  I gave in because I am dating one of them and she gets super bitchy and cries and shit when she doesn’t get her way. 

I’m just kidding about the dating the 8 year old thing….maybe.  Air Bud sucks though…there’s no way one dog could be that good at so many sports…seriously.

Anyway, once those sluts got tired of the show and went to eat ice cream or play in the sandbox or whatever 8 year old prozzies do while their parents are getting krunked up on Sundays, I got to turn the game back on.  There isn’t really anything to report besides that.

Howard and Myers look skinny.  From what I could gather, Howard K’d twice, once in the ninth…..that was sweet…. who needs early season heroics anyway?  He likes to wait until the MVP voters start taking notes. (I got Howard and Pujols in one of my fantasy leagues by the way… does anyone else in the world have both of those guys on one team?  I highly doubt it!)

Ibanez is so UNSEXY.  I can’t even believe it.  I want to throw things. 

Feliz made a hot play at 3b.  That was cool.

Werth trimmed his stupid beard. 

I was cooking with a Braves fan who was pretty excited about the game.  I wasn’t excited about him.  The only positive is that we forgot to wager on the game so I saved myself the money I made tonight.

Really happy that baseball and the sexycrimes are back.

Pline.

we are still alive

even if the boys over at wsbgm don’t think we are… we are still keeping it real over here but have just decide to take a short hiatus from the blogging until spring training starts when there will be some more interesting stuff to report on. until then we are just going to be taking in all the other blogs and of course dealing with the mourning of losing our favorite player.

quick burrell story from the fbr:

i followed pat perez for a few holes to see if i could spot the bat, but no luck.. so as he is coming off the 6th green i approach him and this convo goes down

gp: hey pat (perez), nice win last weekend… it was good to see you celebrating with the boys out there
perez: (laughing) thanks a lot
gp: speaking of which, is the bat out here with you this weekend?
perez: ya, he’s up in one of those tents over there getting drunk off his ass
gp: (head explodes)

anyways, i spent a good portion of the day searching for the bat to no avail, but it was all worth it for that comment

-gp

Christmas Post

Okay so if the sexycriminals have two things going for them they are these:

1. We are exceptionally good looking

2. I always have a secret spare can of skoal stashed away.

Reason number 2 is why this post is getting written right now.  The Perman is at the party I just left, getting super weird with his pint glass of vodka-soda-5 alive-sprite that he likes to call the “poor man” (don’t try to mix it yourself….the recipe is very specific). I was either going to sleep or have a quick dip and post…. Thank God I somehow remembered where my secret dip stash was….

Anyway…It’s Christmas…or at least it was.  I am in a giving mood, which is rare, so I am going to give while the giving is good…. a brand new present for some of my favorite Phillies (read: the names I can remember at 3am) nice gifts under their christmas trees.  Except Pat… I am going to give him his present under his Christmas Hooker that he has strapped to his wall.

First off…Christmas cheer is abundantly oozing out of every pore so this might be funny only to me. Normally this is good enough, but tonight I am going to give everyone the chance to leave now. 

*SPOILER ALERT*… THIS MIGHT BE THE WORST POST EVER ON THIS BLOG…just letting you know now

let’s get started shall we (I only have 2 jokes right now but i am going to keep typing and see what happens…whoever guesses the 2 jokes that I had pre-planned gets a copy of the new Phillies World Series DVD….just kidding, we don’t get to give out prizes like our homey’s at the fightins or WSBGM’s…);

But first – Eric Nitschke – Thank you for the Christmas wishes.  I wish you a merry christmas also… the Pic you sent us was easily the best gift I got.  We Hope to meet up with the Clearwater 5, but we are but men.  We’ll see what we can do.

-Jayson Werth – A Beard Trimmer: Your weird chin hair thing makes me want to throw up. 

Actually for that matter, you can share that gift with Blanton, Myers, and Lidge…I’m not George Steinbrenner (R.I.P….Is that too soon?  Not sure if he is dead yet…)but seriously…keep your beards in check! Take a lesson from Feliz. A well groomed beard goes a long way)

-Brad Lidge – Some sort of cream or a Gift Certificate for laser wart removal or something…seriously…get those things off your face… not sexy…AT ALL

(that might be 2 presents..whatever)

-Ryan Madson – Hair.  He’s not bald, but in mid summer he rolled into a game with a shorn head and it was sick… he looked like my buddy craig after 3 rounds of chemo.  Let it grow you little creep. 

Utley – Your rightful place as the Phillies new hilarious mouthpiece.  Your parade speech is legend.  Pat is gone. He will never be forgotten, but you now must carry the torch….saying funny things to make us laugh is now your burden…don’t let us down.

Shane Victorino – Ritalin..Seriously…settle down.

PAT THE BAT – A massive contract with the Seattle Mariners.  So Perman and I can come down every weekend at stay at your apartment and get real weird. And then put on Phillies jerseys and re-live your amazing double that clinched it all….. and then take them off and run around with our pants…. nevermind

Brett Myers – Hulk Hands. 

Scott Mathieson – A new arm.  He isn’t even on the 40 man I don’t think but he is a BC boy from right down the road.  We’re rooting for you pal.  My number is 604 202 1560 if you want to sit around and talk about how amazing the phillies are…

J-Roll – Someone, Anyone signed to your silly record company. At bat records or whatever it is called…. Stick to what you are good at…It’s certainly not gold records.

Clay Condrey – A mention in our blog…which is what you just got for the first time ever….. you should be happy with that.

Matt Stairs – More ass pounding than you can shake a stick at… and many many more depressing years of cheering for the Maple Leafs…Canada’s most embarssing hockey team (the Perman and I don’t give a flying hell about hockey, but it is always nice to take a shot at Toronto… It’s Canada’s LA or New York or whatever city you Americans love to hate…Personally if I had to hate an American city it would be Boston.  If I had to love one it would be [besides Philly] Chicago… MAN! that’s a dope city)

Greg Dobbs – A trip to 2008.  Luke Perry’s Sideburns were sweet when you were in High School but they are so out.  get in the now bro-ham.

Carlos Ruiz – Nothing…Your are cute as a button.  Don’t change a thing.

-Cole Hamels – A new voice..obviously.  I heard him speak on Letterman and several other talk shows….needless to say I definitely don’t want to blow him anymore….. I need a real man.

J.A. Happ – a spot in the rotation….I’m a believer.

Kyle Drabek – Your dad’s haircut.

Chan Ho Park – A one way ticket the F out of town….we will all hate him….

Raul Ibanez – ProActiv Zit solution.

Ryan Howard…. I don’t know…

I’m done… I wasn’t even laughing at my own jokes…which is a bad sign…

Sorry for this.

Prystline

 

 

-

noooooooooooooo

how can you replace this

it is no coincidence that it is rainy in vancouver today

with this

ibanez's rbi numbers are only a small fraction of his pockmark numbers

i can’t rationally talk about things right now, i think my keyboard is on the fritz from all the tears i have poured onto it today!

keep in mind that i live in vancouver and watch roughly 10-12 mariners per year.  i have watched ibanez for the past few seasons and while his numbers are nice, he is not at all scary when he is at the plate, he is gross in the field and he is the definition of unsexy as a baseball player.

- 4 years older than the bat

- just as slow as him around the bases without the added incentive of looking like his ankles are going to break

- just as bad as the bat in the field, but his arm isn’t anywhere close to the bats

-  hits from the left side of the plate… the mets should go ahead and sign joe beimel now to negate the heart of our order with one LOOGY

- wierd looking… probably has never even thought about sexually harassing a ball girl

the phillies are going to have to sign my boy josh duhamel/tad hamilton to pitch out of the bullpen just to even come close to the getting the sexiness quotient up to the standard that us philadelphia fans have grown accustomed to

the only thing i can hope for now is that the bat signs with the mariners so that i can be that much closer to him and start what is sure to be a very close and mutual friendship… either that or be forced to sit in the upperdeck as to not infringe on any restraining orders that may be placed against me

pat, i’m going to sincerely miss seeing you patrolling left field for the phillies… it’s never going to be the same without you

---

also, i was going to save this news for another day but it seems fitting that on the day that the bait’s philadelphia flame is extinguished that we announce who will be playing his role in our upcoming feature film

burrell is concerned that hugh may not be jacked up enough to properly represent him

trying to find someone sexy enough to play pat was a real challenge, we eventually concluded that if pat could not play himself then he would have to played by the recently crowned “peoples sexiest man alive” hugh jackman

-gp

If I may Say So

Pretty sure that the pic of me, Carpenter and Cutter re-creating the Bat’s “Take a pitch anywhere from the inside half of the plate” pose is one of the finest shots ever taken.

We have more…you just don’t get to see them yet….

see you on opening day.

pat the bat updates

where have i seen this stance before?

no important news on the bait regarding him coming back or leaving the phillies, but a couple of good notes.

this video from the fightin’s of the bat swearing in a post game interview after the world series is awesome. just listening to him talk cracks me up, he always seems like everything he says is an inside joke with himself.

and this story from phil hellmuth’s webiste about him meeting the machine and geoff jenkins in scottsdale.

Also, another text came in at exactly 11:32 from Young MC saying that two Phillies players wanted to meet me. So I walked across the room and had a great time chilling with Jeff Jenkins and Pat Burrel for about an hour. Those guys are still on cloud nine! They were in such a great mood and in such a high spirit that it was awesome to see! We had a great time talking baseball and poker, and Burrel and I started needling each other back and forth. That was so much fun! Burrel just tells it like it is, and that is refreshing, and fun. ["Phil I love watching you because you're such an asshole."]

and that is why we all love you pat!  as an aside to this story, if you go to the link to phil hellmuth’s site you’ll see that he met our heroes(well at least one hero) at the W hotel in scottsdale where he was going to meet up with my boy matt leinart.  if you don’t think pat was skeezing hard with matty l and rocking out hot tub parties avec ASU coeds all weekend then clearly you are first time visitor to this site. 

-gp

that's where... i miss the cbp parking lot

 

 

why can’t us: the 2008 philadelphia phillies world championship movie

prystline and i, in our infinite wisdom, have decided to produce a movie about the 2008 phillies season entitled “why cant us”.  our plan is to release who we have cast to play each part in the movie day by day as to create a big “hollywood buzz” about the project.  first off we have our fearless leader and tactician extraordinaire charlie manuel:

"you can take a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a cow's ass, but i'd rather take the butchers word for it"

we figured there was no one better than brian dennehy of tommy boy fame to play the role of chuck manuel.  as a side note, dennehy has experience playing the role of a baseball manager in the movie summer catch, a sexycrimes favorite.

next up we had to find an actor to play the role of j-rol.  on a side note how do you pronounce this, we have always pronounced it j-rawl, but noticed that harry kalas in particular really over accentuates the ROLE part of his name (which makes sense for rolling up double plays, rolling up doobies, or rolling up late to games).  then again we also refuse to admit that we are pronouncing burrell incorrectly by saying it in two syllables (burr-ell) even after hearing everyone in the world pronounce it “burl” including himself.  i am sticking with my original “theisman theory” on this one, that being that he was originally burr-ell but he changed it back in high school for one important reason:

i have been waiting since day one to get a picture of allison stokke on here

this may seem a little far fetched, but if you are any kind of burrell/phillie fan you have to know that those exact words have come out his mouth on more than one occasion… burr-ells doing curr-ells for the gir-ells isn’t nearly as cool. 

but i digress, back to the original topic. the actual search for the actor to play jimmy rollins was quite easy:

rush hour 4: chris tucker makes sure jimmy shows up on time to a mets game

this was a no-brainer.  in fact after we signed up chris, jackie chan’s agents were all over us to get him to play so taguchi or tad iguchi.  we explained to them that both of these roles would be very small and the pay would be minuscule, but jackie didn’t care he just wanted to be involved in such a landmark project (like samuel l. jackson in star wars).  in the end though we decided that rollins was probably a dick to the ’guchis and that in fact tucker and chan’s on screen chemistry would be a detriment to the movie.

we will be coming out with the rest of our casting decisions over the next couple of weeks or so.

-gp

not ready to talk about utley yet

jeff francis likes hanging out with lincecum so it makes himself look better

 instead of talking about the hip that shall not be named, i would like to bring up thise quote from charlie manuel earlier in the season regarding mr. lincecum:

“He’s good,” Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said. “To me, he looks like a little clubhouse guy or a batboy with that long hair, but he’s got a fastball.

“I wouldn’t say he’s pretty, though,” Manuel added with a laugh. “They call Cole Hamels ‘Hollywood.’ I don’t think they call him that.”

agreed.  he is not going to be confused for a model anytime soon and if there is anything that the phillies 2008 season has taught us it is that being really alpha and good looking is the key to any world series victory.

-gp

No Title

It finally hit me today…. About 1pm pacific time… The Phils won the world series… the whole thing!!! all of it!

Like a sack of hammers… sitting at my desk…. reading a story about Moyer going back to Seattle and everyone being happy for him…

Jesus…. The Philbags won the World Fucking Series….

I was jacked up when Lidge closed it out, but it wasn’t until now (about 2 weeks later) that I actually FELT it.

but let’s get to some real talk:

P the B: He cannot be replaced… it’s a well known fact that he is the glue in the clubhouse… lose him now and we don’t repeat…. everything I have heard points to the phils not re-upping him.

Prystline refuses to believe that.  The man wants to come back, the owners just increased the ticket prices… lets give him 12-15 mill over 5 years (the babes he brings to the park are worth at least 8 mill a year).  We’ll make Elvis the bat dog…The sexy criminals will do anything for him (I’ll cook, Perman will…..nevermind)

Wasted…. love the bat…love Wendy and GTO’s Burgeoning relationship even more.

let’s root for them in the offseason.

Congrats to Pujols on his silver slugger award…. It must be easy to accept a prize knowing that you aren’t even the best hitter at your own position.

Nice 3rd place finish this year stud

where were these hands during the season

ry-how makes an amazing backhanded snag here. 

not shown: him trying to throw it to jimmy rollins to start a double play and it ending up in center field

-gp

michelle embarks on mission impossible… victorino dresses like a douche

thanks to sexyfan gto-josh who sent me these pics of the bat from earlier in the year.  clearly michelle forced pat to wear this shirt in some sort of an ill-advised attempt to make him unattractive to other women… try as she may, she had to know that endeavour was doomed to fail

babe, are you sure i look cool in this new shirt you bought me?

greased back locks...check; chest hair flowing...check; devilish smirk...check; smoldering eyes...check; PtB is ready to roll

dont worry man i know this shirt is hideous and i intend on sleeping with that woman staring at me to my left to teach my wife a lesson about the clothes she buys me... she has to know i am all about the tommy bahamas

the moral of the story is that pat the bat could get laid in a burlap sack. 

 

check out this photo of harry the k tilting his glasses down to get a better look philadelphia’s most famous ass’ett on parade day.

take a picture, it will last longer

even with pat’s wife attempting to sabotage his personal style he couldn’t pull off the most embarrassing wardrobe decision on the phillies.  that dis-honour has to go to shane victorino for sporting a douchey christian audigier shirt during his “no questions asked” spot on QVC

leave the audigier at home if you come to visit us in vancouver shane... it's banned in all the bars here

in fact it is only worn by gangsters and wanna-be losers here... i can only assume its the same in other cities

guys, don’t bother packing your ed hardy (ry-how), affliction (jay werth?), or tap out (rudy seanez?) gear either.

-gp

pat the bat rides in style

if at the beginning of the season you would have had me guess the player that would be leading the world series parade on his own budweiser horse drawn carraige behind 8 clydesdales i would have told you to immediately fuck off because there is only one player on the planet who could be worthy of such a sentiment… and that player of course is none other than our main man and our muse patrick brian burrell the third (huge shout out to meech.one from the fightins for these awesome photos, damn i wish i lived in philly!)

this cart was supposed to be full of bud lights, but pat drank all of them last night

 i can’t imagine pat being more happy in his life, riding along the streets of philadelphia with his dog sitting right behind him and having his best friend and soulmate lying there with him as well (in case it wasn’t obvious i’m going with michelle as the former and elvis as the latter in that explanation btw).  if this is pat the bats last ride in philly (and it’s looking more and more like it may be…single tear) at least he went out the way we all wanted him to… if only the wind hadn’t drifted that ball so far to the right on monday, i think my world have have exploded more than it already has.  going to sign off here with another picture of the bat in his signature celebration pose

this looks familiar

heres hoping we get to see the bat with this pose again in a phillies uniform

-gp