win a date with tad iguchi

prystline covered pretty much everything about our extended lunchtime viewing of the series sweep, but i have put together a small montage of photos from yesterday’s game along with comments:

here’s a pic of david wright pretending to try and catch a pop fly in the infield. 

“sorry el duque, i can’t see so well with these lame shades on… i totally didn’t mean to grab your junk and rub my gennies on your ass”

at least it was on the field this time instead of in the shower

the bat launches his first home run of the day, he honestly has one of the best follow throughs in the history of baseball.  here is another shot of it

it actually looks like he may have missed this one, something the pre-sexy crimes pat burrell was known to do on occasion.  the new pat the bat is like the sex cannon of the mlb, fuck it he’s going deep!!!  speaking of which, the website www.patmustgo.com has been shut down.  maybe it’s because pat is playing so well, or maybe it is because of several threatening emails originating from vancouver… who knows?

the reason this fan is so happy isn’t that burrell just gave the phils a 4-0 lead, but that he actually got a ball from pat burrell.  seriously, does anyone know why he refuses to throw balls into the stands after the 3rd out of an inning??? even red sox players do it at yankee stadium, why does the bat not do it even at CBP

ruiz, clearly a reader of the sexy crimes and annoyed at his team’s refusal to plunk d. wright, decides to take matters into his own hands and drill wright in the groin with a hard tag.  the sexy criminals appreciate your effort carlos, but unfortunately little david doesn’t have anything down there so he got away unscathed 

unreal catch by bacon pants off jeff conine…

but not nearly as impressive as burrell’s celebration after the catch, p-line and i must have spent a good 10 minutes laughing about this

“i thought all 3rd basemen liked it when you put your head in their crotch???” -reyes

“no dude, that’s just YOUR 3rd baseman… ps thanks for bringing your a game this series jose” -nunez

who can blame nunez for missing the ball after such a disturbing convo with reyes, notice his free hand protecting his junk from reyes’ wandering mouth

a confused marlon anderson attempts a take out slide on moises alou

alphon-suck-a… this was painful to watch.  i would much rather see romero even against a righty.

STONE COLD PIMP!!! his two steals had g sports bar on granville street rocking… and by that i mean prystie, myself and some weird old guy who i think was pretending to be a phillies fan

walk off single for chutley… look at his face, the thought never even crossed his mind that he wasn’t going to end the game right when he walked up to the batters box.  kind of wanted to see burrell emasculate wagner one more time for good measure though, guess there is always sept 14-16

look at this guy… such a professional, having already congratulated tad at the plate he only has eyes for chutley up the first base line.  the consummate teammate, he knows that a series sweep equals patron on the team charter to florida. 

these boys are ready for september AND october

me and the bat say fuck you mets, fuck you mets fans at cbp, fuck you wright, fuck you wagner and most of all fuck you mets fan at the roxy who always wears the pedro t-shirt jersey and beaks off to me about the phillies.  i am going to go there all 3 nights this weekend(which is so different than my normal weekend plans) in full phillies garb with high hopes of seeing you and rubbing the series sweep in your face.

-gperih

ps.  i am a little worried that the deep hatred i have for mets fans is going to hurt my love of king of queens, but i think what doug heffernan and i have is strong enough to get through it

I Love the Phillies

I want to write a post so badly, but there are still so many emotions running through my head.  Perman and I were on Cloud 9 after Utley’s walk-off single and I honestly haven’t come down yet…. I can’t wrap my head around any of this.  I just can’t.  I can’t try to be funny, I can’t try to be clever, I can’t even talk about how much I love every single member of the team and I certainly still have not figured out how to re-size and post pics on the blog.  I watched the highlights at least 10 times last night, which meant I drank way more rouge than I should have, but who cares? It was a celebration…… I can’t remember the last time I was this excited…which may be kind of sad but whatever.

I also can’t remember the last time I took a three hour lunch in the middle of a workday to watch baseball (which the Perman and I did yesterday)….. oh wait, yes I can.  During the playoffs last year.  Look for the Sexy Criminals to be taking lots of extended business lunches when the Phil-bags make the ‘loffs…. actually fuck that…we’re coming to Philly!

 -Much to our chagrin,  the real Pat the Bat doesn’t seem to be anything like the made-up Pat the Bat that Perih and I have conjured up over the past couple seasons.  Well, I shouldn’t say “anything”…. Obviously he still does body shots of Patrone with Strippers on the Trainer’s table between innings, spends more time working on his glutes than he does in the batting cage and He clearly does not toss the ball into the crowd after catching the third out…. but He also may be the most jacked up Philly on the field.  His celebration of Rowand’s catch at the wall was one of the best things I have ever seen.  I can’t even put it into words so I will let the guy from the Zo Zone do it for me. 

What a catch by Rowand off the vexatious Jeff Conine! And Burrell gets lots of style points for the way he thrust both arms in the air exultantly in admiration of a play he couldn’t possibly make himself.
Dave

The Bat also nearly killed the Japimp with a bone-crushing bear hug after he scored the winning run and then sprinted to see his boy Chase at 1b.  He kind of fucked up though because now that Manuel has found out the Pat is the fastest guy on the team he might not be pulling him in the late innings anymore…. That is really going to hurt his pre-boozing.  It will also be harder for him to steal per diems from teammates’ wallets.  Happily that also tells me that he is willing to make some sacrifices for the good of the team…. What a great teammate

 Pat Burrell is my Favorite player. 

-Speaking of Favorite Players….these are the players that I hate:

Shea Hillenbrand

David Wright

Jeff Weaver

Khalil Green

Marlon Anderson

- Alfonseca is so fat.  But he is so perfectly round and hilarious.  He is not a very good pitcher. I am working on a theory as to why he is still around (it does not include the obvious “Because there is no one else”…that’s too easy) It’s not ready yet, but Burrell, Rowand and Meyers figure prominently in said theory. 

- Just heard that Cole suffered a set-back…. that brought me back down to earth pretty quick.  I can’t even think of a clever alternative reason as to how he tweaked his elbow.  This post sucks

 Sorry, I’m new

-Prystline
 

celebrity phillies fan #3

obviously the phillies have been enjoying such success lately due to the fact that ryan phillippe has been repping phils gear on the town in london.  i sincerely hope that mr. witherspoon is an actual phillies fan(he is from delaware) and that the little midget douche (i saw him in vancouver and am pretty sure he wouldn’t be allowed on the big kid rides at six flags) isn’t just wearing the hat because his buddies call him “phillie” or something like that.

in actuality though, the phillies success can mostly be attributed to the emergence of the most sexual phillies blog/ pat burrel fan club on the net.  p-line and myself(celebrity fans #1 and 2) are both planning to take some extended coffee breaks rolling into extended lunches to watch the phils game this afternoon as the p-bags go for the sweep and my record of watching phillies games at malones goes to 5-0!

it’s a walk off…

what a night, great day to be a phillies fan… watched the game with p-line and a couple of mets fans last night and thoroughly enjoyed rubbing the victory in their collective faces.  a couple of shout outs and apologies for the blog today.

SHOUT OUTS:

1. ry-how… obvi

2. The grounds crew at CBP: it was quite a feat to know that in the bottom of the 8th bacon pants was going to hit a dribbler down the 3rd base line and to groom the field accordingly to keep it from going foul.

3. paul lo duca: thanks for your defensive effort yesterday, that throw into centerfield was pretty vital to our comeback… also your disgusting posture and body make me feel better about myself on a daily basis

4. malones staff:  despite forgetting to take our drink orders for a good 15 minutes when we got there, we really appreciate you putting the phils game on the big tv instead of the sox-yanks.  phil bags are 2 for 2 so far in games i watch there, chances of me being there again today, roughly 200%

5. eaton: an inning off and a few strikeouts lower than my prediction, but still a really good start for coming off the DL.

6. the wind at CBP: thanks for keeping that carlos delgado/malik yoba (if you don’t see the similarity you are blind) “pop up” in the park in the 6th… thought we were cooked

7. phillies bullpen: especially romero(3 huge k’s) and myers(6 consecutive outs).  all in all 4.1 innings, 1 hit, no runs, 4 k’s

APOLOGIES:

1. young hustle’s rib cage: sorry about pummeling you in the solarpexis,  i felt at the time it was the only acceptable celebration for rollins’ and howard’s homeruns.  i can’t help myself, ask prystie about what it was like watching the OC next to me.

2. carlos beltran: that pitch was meant for d. wright.  eaton must have misread the sexy crimes yesterday.  that being said you probably deserved it, and wright yours is still coming buddy

3. tom glavine: 7 innings, no runs… that’s a tough loss.  your sideburns(or lack there of) look like shit though, sort it out

4. pat “the bat” burrel: sorry you never get to score your own runs and that you probably missed howard’s walk off because you were back in the clubhouse drinking patron with a couple of models.

5. tigers fans: kc royals, ouch

6. reyes fans: maybe if he took off a necklace or two he could hope to be half the player rollins is in the field… werth is not that fast, true story

7. malones staff/patrons: sorry you had to endure seeing p-line and i doing our celebration dance after ry-how went deep *note* the dance was VERY SIMILAR to the “we just met cole hamels dance”

 -gperih

utley is a mesh hat!!!

 

- 3 for 5, a home run and an rbi double off the wall.  UNREAL.  i can only imagine what the atmosphere was like in the bank last night.  now leading the NL in batting by the way, .339

- jayson werth is the balls, also whoever wrote “w.pipp” above victorino’s locker is hialrious(definitely sounds like something that pat the bat could have been involved in)

- speaking of the bat, he had another great day at the dish and obviously enjoyed having the last few innings off yesterday to throw down a couple cocktails and make fun of billy wagner

- david wright is my enemy, he has a face that just looks like it needs to be punched… i hope someone pins him in the ribs with a fastball today

- ps. i am predicting 6 2/3, 5 hits, 2 walks, 2 runs, and 4 k’s for eaton today.  i have a really good feeling that he is going to bring it

I’m not too sure about this but….

My Abacus may be broken, but by my calculations, if The Bat played all 162 regular season games against the Mets he would have about 125 homeruns and close to 600 RBI’s… pretty good year. 

Glad he got pulled at the end of the 6th too…. he must have been exhausted after playing the entire game on Sunday…. My sources tell me that he didn’t really mind the full 9 on Sunday though because it was a day game so he had plenty of time to pre-drink before hitting the discos and picking up 6 or 7 different women within the first 20 minutes.

Jason “Stone Cold Pimp” Werth is on the verge of something special.  I am so happy that I will actually be watching the game tomorrow to see it….. it’s totally happening.

 Eaton is coming back tomorrow with something to prove…mostly to me. 

My gut feeling is that Cole has spent the last 3 or 4 days learning how to throw a mean sinker and a sick slider with his right arm to go along with his 100+ mph fastball…..just so he can show the Braves a different look….So all is well on that front.

Obviously Utley is the best baseball player alive….

 Meyers doesn’t get enough love from the Sexy Criminals but that will change soon.  The Bat really should have let him loose.  He loves hitting people.

I think that is all for now…..

A special thanks to Russell Branyan for winning us that game in Washington.  I really wish you didn’t get designated…… I miss you already.

It should have been Barajas.

 -Prystline

the straw that broke the hamels back

a more appropriate title for this weekend would be the hamels that broke the phillies back, but prystline and i have made a promise that we (unlike a lot of the other philblogs out there) will always keep this blog in positive town about the phil-bags.  so this entry will highlight only the positive parts of the weekend.  either way, we are only 6 games out of the nl east and 3 out of the wildcard and with the pads facing ‘zona and us with 4 against the mets, i am betting that we will be 4 out of the east and 1 out of the wildcard by thursday!!!

*note* i had written a long entry about the highlights of the weekend, but wordpress decided to delete it for no reason, so this is the coles(hamels) notes version:

1. i was away all weekend with no access to tv or internet, thanks to fellow sexy criminal prystline for the text message and phone call updates

2. i hate the giles brothers… they are creeps.  end of story.

3. where will burrell go in the lineup when chase gets back?  i like leaving him in the 3 hole with chase batting 2 depending on who is playing left and 3rd.

4. i wish i could be at CBP tomorrow for chase’s re-introduction… have to settle for sneaking out of work a little early and trying to catch it on satellite

5. our bench is going to be unreal when everyone gets back.  dobbs, helms, nunez, branyon, coste, bourn, iguchi, werth… pretty much covers everything we could need.

6. our girl clare from the ladies and plunk chutley has a theory on cole hamels trip to the DL.  http://plunkchutley.wordpress.com/2007/08/22/dead-arm-pitching/.  i think cole is waaaay to cocky to let that happen, we are talking about someone who, as a rookie no less, thought that albert pujols should be more afraid of facing him than vice-versa if he has “his stuff”

7. what exactly was going through sam carchidi’s head???

‘When Myers was asked about the two home runs, he said they were really “just pop ups.” A reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer questioned whether Myers really thought they were pop ups, and Myers got angry. “You’re not even a beat reporter, you’re a fill-in, you don’t know anything about baseball,” said Myers, who then called the reporter “retarded.” The Inquirer reporter asked if Myers could spell retarded, and Myers stood up. Burrell then restrained Myers, and Myers refused to speak any further.’

i mean we are talking about a guy who punches the love of his life in face outside of a ballpark, you think he is going to even give a second thought to beating the hell out of this b-list reporter trying to make a name for himself??? i am a little upset with the bat’s role in this though… i would have expected him to do something a little more classy like coming in with a cheapshot from the side or smashing a beer bottle over his head.

 this is poor parenting… he could have used the word glove just as easily!!!

-gperih

Ok, What do I do now SERIOUSLY

I’m at home in Positivetown…aka Beautiful White Rock British Columbia… Having a sexual bbq with some of my closest friends…. Well Jana decides she is going to bring her little buddy who lives in New York but is back to visit….Fine! Whatever! NBD (No Big Deal)…. She has a fashionable male friend who looks like he spends a fair amount of time in the morning making his hair look like he didn’t spend a fair amount of time working on his hair in the morning…. he seems nice. His name is Zack.

 I say “Hi Zack, I’m Steve…Are you from New York too?”

He says. “Yes, I am”

Steve:  ”So are you a Yankees fan? Or do I have a Mets fan in my house?”

Obviously thinking that the Mets are the lesser of two evils he says:

“No, don’t worry I’m Mets all the way….I (get this) LOVE the Mets”

Wrong answer….Wrong fucking answer….

Steve: I’m sorry to hear that because you are in a Phillies household pal…. A PHILLIES HOUSEHOLD….”

I proceed to tell him that I respect his sweater and the stylish collared shirt that pokes out of it, but that I’m just not sure that I can allow him to stay

He proceeds to question how I could possibly be a Phil-bags fan when I live on the other side of North America

 I ignore that question and proceed to question his integrity….

He questions the talent of the Phillies…..

I question the strength of his jaw, hold back and then begin to Catalogue all the reasons why the Phillies are so much doper than the Mets…. Burrell’s ass, Meyers’s spousal abuse and Cole Hamels’ birth all factor prominently in my argument by the way.

I decide against listening to his retort and tell him to behave himself in Phillie-town.  He reluctantly obliges… He is actually a very nice person but I just can’t help but think that I should really do something terribly mean to him tonight so that he knows that his allegiance to the Mets will not be tolerated in Vancouver or any of her suburbs.

 I have been wearing my Phillies jersey since he started popping off.

I’m out

-Prystline

This is 5 hours later: I got pics of him wearing a phillies jersey and liking it (I may have been forcing his thumb up and holding his head) but there are pics of him wearing a phils j and liking it….if only I knew how to edit pics it would be posted by now

 Vancouver P-Bag fans 1 – NYC Mets Fans 0

AY BAY BAY

 

apparently god reads facebook

MEDIAL SPRAIN IN COLE HAMELS‘ LEFT ELBOW!!!!

can things go any worse? while listening to the game online tonite the announcers casually mentioned that hamels is going to miss his start tomorrow night so that he can have an mri on his elbow… not sure how they were able to make this announcement without breaking down, but that is not my point.

the real point of this post is that i am pretty sure i am at least partly responsible for this terrible turn of events. a couple of weeks ago after the bourne supremacy and the flyin‘ hawaiian got injured in the same game i changed my facebook status to “greg is pretty sure that god hates the phillies but luckily for us we have a more powerful deity on our side… cole hamels“. anyways, god is clearly trying to prove a point to me. i shouldn’t have said that cole hamels was more powerful than you, i apologize. i have learned a valuable lesson, don’t get into a pissing contest with the creator of mankind. so here is my compromise on this one… i will say that cole hamels is the most powerful left handed deity, you in turn will make sure that cole’s mri goes VERY SMOOTHLY tomorrow, and as a bonus prystline and i will attend church this sunday. i would say this is a fairly good deal for everyone involved, unless of course god is also left handed in which case i guess we are at a bit of an impasse.

*note* yes this is a photo of your sexycrimes bloggers hanging out with cole hamels in san diego. this is shortly after prystline propositioned cole with some oral sex… fortunately he was unresponsive

 UPDATE: no ligament damage to cole hamels’ elbow… on 15 day DL, available again on september 1.  he expects to only miss 2 starts.  i would consider this going SMOOTHLY, not VERY SMOOTHLY… but i am in a good mood and don’t want god to think i am welching on a technicality so prystline and i will be in church on sunday.

what the sexy crimes is all about

the inspiration behind this blog is to give the perspective of a couple of fans that live 3000 miles(vancouver) from the one thing that matters most in their sporting lives… the philadelphia phillies.  there will be no in-depth analysis of stats, breakdowns of match-ups and certainly no sabremetrics here, because when it comes right down to it thats what not what our love of the phil-bags is all about.  it’s all about spending your entire vacation time(and waaay too much money) from work to do a roadie through la and san diego to watch the phillies on a west coast swing, it’s about being threatened by guys with teardrop tattoos in the top deck of dodger stadium because you are wearing phillies gear, it’s about meeting cole hamels at a dive bar in san diego and doing a celebratory dance afterwards, it’s about yelling at the top of your lungs to chase utley that you will make out with him if he hits a home run and then having him send a blast over the centerifeld wall at petco while you look awkwardly around your section trying to look like you didn’t actually mean it but knowing deep down that if chase was there it would be a different story. 

united countries of baseball map edited to show our region of phillies nation

The “DL”

So Did Zagurski get placed on the real DL for people like Utley, Victorino and Michael (Jason) Bourn?

Or is he on the same “DL” as Eaton and Barajas? You know the DL for guys that have been really really awful for a really really long time until nobody can take it anymore so the team pretends they are injured to save them the embarassment of getting benched.

I didn’t know Barajas hurt his groin until like yesterday… Nobody talks about him anymore…. He is dead to the Phils and I am Ok with that….The Bat has obviously started using Barajas’ Locker for extra storage and a mini-fridge.

Mercifully Eaton came down with his injury just before his last start. Normally this would be a nice opportunity for a pitcher to sort himself out and pump up for a solid finish, but I’m pretty sure Burrell keeps taunting Eaton while he throws his bullpens because he still can’t believe that Eaton pinch ran for him 2 months ago. How’s a guy supposed to work on his stuff with the most intimidating presence in the NL making it rain on him? He can’t….He just can’t.

Anyway… The reason for this particular blurb is; I wonder what the Bat is going to do to assert Alpha Male Dominance over Zagurski now that he is on the fake DL.

-Prystline

lets get naked and start the revolution…

it is my dream, and the main purpose of this blog, that one day pat burrell will be properly respected for the great man/ballplayer/teammate/unintentional comedian/ cocksman/saint that he truly is…