jerkface billy wagner threatens kids

this article has some quotes from mets closer billy wagner’s on his outrage that a michigan player would dare to try and lay down a bunt on him during their 4-4 tie yesterday.

Forget the Phillies. Billy Wagnernearly started a beanball war with the University of Michiganafter one overzealous Wolverine tried to bunt on him in the fourth inning. With a runner on second and one out, centerfielder Kevin Cislo pushed his bunt foul.

Wagner, clearly annoyed, shook his head a number of times, and Cislo wisely swung away, grounding out. Wagner said he couldn’t believe that Cislo, a junior, bunted.

“If he got that bunt down, I would have drilled the next guy,” Wagner said. “Play to win against Villanova.”

hey billy here’s some ideas that may help you next time you find yourself in this situation:

1.  you think that college kids would maybe be pretty excited about the possibility of beating a real major league team, so how about getting your team to actually play like professionals and not make the game close so the kids think they have a chance.  see detroits 17-4 shellacking of florida southern, doubt there was any bunts being laid down there.

2. maybe as, supposedly, one of the major leagues best closers you shouldn’t have a line like this against a bunch of college players: 1IP, 1H, 1BB, 0K’s

there is also some good snack talk in the article about aaron heilman (notre dame grad) having to sing the michigan fight song in the clubhouse after the game for allowing an earned run.

-gperih

mets start off season with a bang

the nl east losing ny mets could only manage a tie in their spring training opener last night against the detroit tigers… wait, you mean they weren’t actually playing a real major league team last night. 

my bad, let me try again, last night the new york mets could only manage a tie against the 18th ranked (previously unranked before this week) university of michigan wolverines.  the amazin’s needed a 2 out bottom of the ninth 2 run home run just to tie it up as well.  not surprisingly aaron heilman was responsible for a few of the runs to the college kids.

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in other phillies news brett myers has been named opening day starter in what some are considering a surprise move over cole hamels.  in my mind this decision was made for two reasons, one of which probably relates to 80% of the decision making process.the smaller consideration in this decision is to let everyone know that brett myers is a starter and a damn good one and that he will not be moved to the bullpen.

however, the real reasoning behind this move (as noted in this article on beerleaguer) is to set up cole hamels with some serious match-ups for later on in the month (including a likely friday april 18th matchup against johan santana).  looks like it is going to be a fun month of pitching match-ups for the phils and will give hamels a serious chance to show he is cy young worthy.

-gperih

Striking While the Iron is Hot

Since the Phillies seem to be in such a playful mood lately, what with playing pranks on each other and pretending that they are actually going to insult Ry How tomorrow by saying he is only worth 7 million instead of 10, I thought I would take this opportunity to play a little prank of my own…..

Hahahahaha…Explain that one to Heidi sucker….. blow you “not too hard” my ass.

Peace

-Prystline

victorino looks jacked up

as an aside to prysties comments on jayson starks article over at espn.com about the mets-phillies rivalry check out the video that accompanies the article.  In particular check out how jacked up shane looks in the interview.  I have put together a side by side pics comparison of a picture from last year.

i am digging this shit in a big way… i am predicting big things from the flyin’ hawaiian this year based solely on this pic!

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as you all know we love looking at the terms that people google search in order to find the sexy crimes… check out a few from the last couple of days“pat burrell hair”- obviously“pat burrell shirtless curls”- again… obviously

“pat burrell: man or machine”-of course we would be the main source on the internet for information on that subject

“female reporter doused locker room”-i am going to miss my boy michael “jason” bourne

“his batting gloves rapper -baseball”- not sure exactly what this person was looking for… but sure, kind of makes sense

“chase utley made pat burrell t-shirts”- i think we can all agree on this fact

“sally jessy raphael skull”- huh?

“the skull of sally jesse rapheal”- double huh??

“fuck the skull of sally jesse raphael”-ahhh, now this all makes sense.  we obviously have some real sickos visiting our site

i checked it out on google and we are the tenth site that comes up if you search “fuck the skull of sally jesse raphael”

1. i am not sure whether or not i am proud of that or a little creeped out by it

2. this is one diligent mother fucker… he must have went to 9 other sites before ours trying to find info on giving the business to sjr’s skull.  i hope he found what he was looking for

-gperih

ps. i decided that i am officially proud to be #10 on that list

*UPDATE* apparently this sally jesse raphael skull thing is some sort of howard stern skit or something, also now with this post we are #1 on google if you search “fuck the kull of sally jesse raphael”

my head just exploded…

the phillies could announce that they traded wes helms for grady sizemore (more to come on this photo and how we were able to get or hands on it in a later post) and it would be a side note for today’s news because LINDSAY LOHAN DID A TOPLESS PHOTOSHOOT FOR NEW YORK MAGAZINE!!!

-gperih

ps. new york magazine is a bunch of behind the scene photos from the shoot on the 20th, so that day may well be write off as well

A brief and unauthorized Brett Myers Biography

-Brett Allen Myers was born on August 17, 1980

-5 minutes later he punched the nurse

-During his formative years he wanted to become a boxer

-He beat up some dude that made a comment about his receding hairline outside a of bar

-John C. McGinley happened to be at there with a radar gun that night.  Clocked him throwing punches at 90+, offered him a contract with a 25 grr signing bonus on the spot, Myers celebrated by making out with Jessica Biel…….

-that might have actually been “Summer Catch”

-regardless, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lillard were never to be seen in a motion picture again.

-Fez continued to hump his way through Hollywood.

-Myers punches his wife outside of Fenway Park.

-Charges are dropped

-2007, Myers is the opening day starter.  Gets moved to the Bullpen

-Ryan Dunne is inexplicably not called up to fill his spot in the rotation.

-Myers closes the game to clinch a playoff spot

-He loses his mind

-So do P-line and Perman

-Myers reports to spring training on February 14, 2008 (his wife is too scared to protest)

-He issues this comment:  “Sequels are terrible,” Myers deadpanned. “You can’t predict it twice. That’s why Jimmy went with his sequel, of 100 wins. The plot has changed for us. I guess their favorite movie was us last year, or something. I don’t know.” (Talking about the Mets…they don’t protest either)

-P-line laughs super hard picturing him saying this and then remembers when Myers called a reporter a “retard”

-P-line laughs even harder remembering how the reporter asked if Myers could spell “retard”

-P-line then wonders why exactly he wrote this ridiculously weird post.

-P-Line figures the red wine had something to do with it.

-P-line remembers that he has to work in 7 hours.

-P-line will probably erase this post as soon as he gets in to work….late….again.

-Prystline

oh Yah….one more thing…..

-”Dreams that, hopefully, will not be narrated by Dane Cook.”  Jayson Stark from ESPN said this… Hottest line of the season thus far.  Totally uncalled for, but so appropriate…Huge Props to JS for finding a place to sneak that little backhand into his article

I fucking hate Dane Cook.

pitchers and catchers report

a little something for our female readers…and prystie

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as we all know yesterday was valentines day, but much more importantly it was the first day of spring training for the phillies in clearwater.  here’s a quick break down of some of the stories that we are following:

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PAT THE BAT T SHIRTS



obviously the lead story from spring training is the emergence of the pat burrell: man or machine t-shirts that showed up in everyones lockers on thursday.  these are without a doubt the coolest shirts that i have ever seen and i want one more than anything in the world.  the mystery remains however of who on the team came up with the idea and created these gems. i have a theory on this:  after meeting me in las vegas, and knowing that i have a phillies blog, chase utley looked up the sexy crimes when he got home and saw the photo in question and decided that it would make a good ice-breaker/opening day prank for spring training.  since i am sure that chase reads this blog daily then we will accept no response as confirmation that he was behind this.

still have not heard what the bat thinks of these tees… somehow i think he would be quietly happy about them.  i would even go as far to say that after chase utley i would put my money on the bat as the one who actually created the shirts

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BAT ELECTED INTO UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI HALL OF FAME

Said Burrell: “It doesn’t seem that long ago I was here. This brings back such good memories.”

how many of those memories do you think were from the baseball field??? two, maybe three?

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HAMELS SHOWS A LITTLE MODESTY

key word little… when asked who had a better change up between himself and johan santana, king cole had the following response:

“I know mine is good, but I know Johan has had a lot more success for many more years,” Hamels said. “So, I can say his is definitely better right now, just because he’s had more years.”

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METS CAMP COMEDY
there was a bit of confusion at mets spring training yesterday as david wright showed up on pitchers and catchers day and announced that after years of catching, he wanted to start pitching… this was wholeheartedly laughed off by all players, team officials and media members present as d. wright is obviously a catcher for life

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VALENTINES DAY ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

anyone wonder how a rapper like raekwon spends his valentines day???  well wonder no more

“It’s a special day. It’s a day to understand the person who means the most to you.” So how to celebrate?
“I’m the type of dude who may be in a helicopter over the city having sex.”  

-gperih

The Inevitable Conversation

The following is a phone call that WILL take place at some point this season:

~Ring~ ~Ring~

Kris Benson: Hey Yo Pat! Whats Up Man? What’s going on?

The Bat: Um, this isn’t Pat….this is ummm….Stan.

KB: Aw Fuck off Pat, I know it’s you. What’s up dude?

The B: I don’t know what you’re talking about.  This is…um..Stu…I mean Stan….

KB: Pat, I have call display… It says “Pat the Clean-up Hitting Bat”…just like you told me your new name for 2008 was.

The B: What the Fuck is call display?!?!??! Is that some sort of interweb thing?  You know I can’t use computers!!!!

KB: Ok, so it is you then, what do you want? It’s 3am dude….

The B: Nah man it’s Stan….But..um… Is Anna there?

KB: Um yah…why?

The B: No reason man.  Can I talk to her for a quick sec?

KB: Seriously?

The B: Seriously.

KB: Why?

The B: Henson, you ask a lot of fucking questions for a guy on a minor league contract.

KB: My name is Benson, Pat, Kris Benson….

The B: Yah Yah dude whatever.

KB:  I was a number one overall pick pal okay?  I’m coming back in a big way….

The B: You know who else was a number one pick Gary……

KB: MY NAME IS KRIS….KRIS FUC……

 The B: Yah whatever pal…. You know who else was a number one pick Kris?  I was. But guess what?  I make like 50 million dollars a year and I can get married on spaceships if I want to.  How much do you make again?

KB:  I make the minimum Pat, but it is an incentive laden contract…INCENTIVE LADEN!!! all it takes is one good year and I’ll be back on top… I know it

The B: Um Yah…so is Anna there?

KB: Dude why do you want to talk to my wife?

The B:  Well Kris, I would think that should be pretty obvious to you by now.  I’m Pat Burrell…

KB: What does that even mean?

The B: Look Kris, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  You can put her on the phone so I can have phone sex with her or you can hang up and pretend like I am not running train on your wife like my boy Jason Bourne ran train on that blonde reporter at the end of last season…

KB: Isn’t his name Michael Bourn?

The B: Yah but I love Matt Damon… remember how sweet those movies were…Totally sweet…If I wasn’t a left fielder I would totally be police officer!!

KB: Wasn’t he actually like an undercover, brainwashed spy who was trained to kill for the government?

The B: Hey, don’t you live in an apartment?

KB: um Yah….temporarily until I find a place..

The B: Keep telling yourself that pal… I live in a mansion, with a pool, several cars and a fucking housekeeper…. if you ever try to correct me again so help me God I will grab your belly and call you fat just like I do to every girl that won’t sleep with me… you don’t want that do you? Do you?…..NOW!! Put Anna on the goddam phone.

KB: What if I don’t Pat?  Are you going to grab her belly and call her fat?

The B: It didn’t get that far Kris, she slept with me the first time I told her to. 

KB: Fuck You Asshole…Why are you calling me at 3am!?!?!

The B: Shit Kris, do we need to get So Taguchi’s translator over there? Am I speaking fucking Chinese?

KB: I think he’s actually Japanese…. 

The B: Huh? Japa-what?….whatever… I am Krunked up.  I have been drinking Patron and chasing it with….well more Patron, since I got pulled in the 6th inning today…. I want to have sex with your wife and I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with me….. AGAIN!!!!

KB: What do you mean ‘AGAIN’?……. (Yells as he cover the phone…”ANNA GET UP HERE”)..This is my wife Pat… I get it okay! She’s has been in some magazines, she is attractive, but that doesn’t mean that she is running around sleeping with all my teammates..

The B: Not all of them Kris, just me…..and sometimes Alfonseca when we get her super deer-faced….. you really should see how funny it is when he props his belly up on….nevermind….

KB: Fuck you Pat, I don’t even want to be in the same clubhouse as you…this is such bullshit…

The Bat: Pretty sure you won’t have to worry about that much longer Mr. 1-7…. you make Eaton look like Cole fucking Hamels…..

KB: Oh yah? Why don’t you fuck Cole’s wife then?

The B: Old news…Been there done that…But you know what Kris, I feel bad for you.  And since I am a nice guy I’ll tell you what….I’ll just jerk off on her tonight.  But that’s only because you are a teammate.  You should have seen what I did to Wagner’s wife in front of his kids…. Whoa man….that got weird.

KB: She’s right here actually Pat, why don’t you tell her what you’ve told me?

The B:  Why don’t you Kris?…. I dare you.

KB: Ha…Hey Anna, Pat Burrell says he wants you to go over to his mansion and let him jerk off on you, but I told him……

Anna? Anna?…..

~Door Slams, High Heeled footsteps pitter-patter across the drive way, car turns on, peels out of the driveway…~

KB: ANNNNNNNNNNAAAA!!!!

The B: Sorry dude…. that’s just how I roll……

~Click~

-Prystline

2008’s first hamels’ism

 

this is how cole sees himself in his own mind (cole’s inner sanctum images)

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One thing that we know about our star left handed starting pitcher is that he is certainly not lacking in any way with self-confidence issues.  long before we had started this blog prystline and i would email quotes of king cole’s that we found particularly impressive and would call them “hamels’isms.  well only one interview into 2008 and we are proud to say that cole has once again not let us down.

“I know I supposedly had a great year last year,” Hamels said, “but I don’t think I did anything remotely close to what I’m capable of doing.” 

i love this guy, seriously…

anyways, spring training is about to kick off and the phillies already have a bunch of players there early including sexy criminal favorites pat burrell, chase utley, and of course cole hamels. 

 *breaking news* phillies have signed kris benson to a minor league deal, no other details available at this time, but apparently he is still only throwing at 60-70% so he wont be ready until a little while into the season.

 -gperih 

ps.  do you think if kris gets caught cheating on his wife that she will extend this offer to include sexy phillies bloggers??? i am going to assume so

phillies bloggers rejoice

P-Line’s Thoughts on Johan Santana

I ain’t shook…..not one bit.

 I hope Perman meets the Bat

 I’ll post again in 2 months

PEACE

-prystline