Okay so if the sexycriminals have two things going for them they are these:
1. We are exceptionally good looking
2. I always have a secret spare can of skoal stashed away.
Reason number 2 is why this post is getting written right now. The Perman is at the party I just left, getting super weird with his pint glass of vodka-soda-5 alive-sprite that he likes to call the “poor man” (don’t try to mix it yourself….the recipe is very specific). I was either going to sleep or have a quick dip and post…. Thank God I somehow remembered where my secret dip stash was….
Anyway…It’s Christmas…or at least it was. I am in a giving mood, which is rare, so I am going to give while the giving is good…. a brand new present for some of my favorite Phillies (read: the names I can remember at 3am) nice gifts under their christmas trees. Except Pat… I am going to give him his present under his Christmas Hooker that he has strapped to his wall.
First off…Christmas cheer is abundantly oozing out of every pore so this might be funny only to me. Normally this is good enough, but tonight I am going to give everyone the chance to leave now.
*SPOILER ALERT*… THIS MIGHT BE THE WORST POST EVER ON THIS BLOG…just letting you know now
let’s get started shall we (I only have 2 jokes right now but i am going to keep typing and see what happens…whoever guesses the 2 jokes that I had pre-planned gets a copy of the new Phillies World Series DVD….just kidding, we don’t get to give out prizes like our homey’s at the fightins or WSBGM’s…);
But first – Eric Nitschke – Thank you for the Christmas wishes. I wish you a merry christmas also… the Pic you sent us was easily the best gift I got. We Hope to meet up with the Clearwater 5, but we are but men. We’ll see what we can do.
-Jayson Werth – A Beard Trimmer: Your weird chin hair thing makes me want to throw up.
Actually for that matter, you can share that gift with Blanton, Myers, and Lidge…I’m not George Steinbrenner (R.I.P….Is that too soon? Not sure if he is dead yet…)but seriously…keep your beards in check! Take a lesson from Feliz. A well groomed beard goes a long way)
-Brad Lidge – Some sort of cream or a Gift Certificate for laser wart removal or something…seriously…get those things off your face… not sexy…AT ALL
(that might be 2 presents..whatever)
-Ryan Madson – Hair. He’s not bald, but in mid summer he rolled into a game with a shorn head and it was sick… he looked like my buddy craig after 3 rounds of chemo. Let it grow you little creep.
Utley – Your rightful place as the Phillies new hilarious mouthpiece. Your parade speech is legend. Pat is gone. He will never be forgotten, but you now must carry the torch….saying funny things to make us laugh is now your burden…don’t let us down.
Shane Victorino – Ritalin..Seriously…settle down.
PAT THE BAT – A massive contract with the Seattle Mariners. So Perman and I can come down every weekend at stay at your apartment and get real weird. And then put on Phillies jerseys and re-live your amazing double that clinched it all….. and then take them off and run around with our pants…. nevermind
Brett Myers – Hulk Hands.
Scott Mathieson – A new arm. He isn’t even on the 40 man I don’t think but he is a BC boy from right down the road. We’re rooting for you pal. My number is 604 202 1560 if you want to sit around and talk about how amazing the phillies are…
J-Roll – Someone, Anyone signed to your silly record company. At bat records or whatever it is called…. Stick to what you are good at…It’s certainly not gold records.
Clay Condrey – A mention in our blog…which is what you just got for the first time ever….. you should be happy with that.
Matt Stairs – More ass pounding than you can shake a stick at… and many many more depressing years of cheering for the Maple Leafs…Canada’s most embarssing hockey team (the Perman and I don’t give a flying hell about hockey, but it is always nice to take a shot at Toronto… It’s Canada’s LA or New York or whatever city you Americans love to hate…Personally if I had to hate an American city it would be Boston. If I had to love one it would be [besides Philly] Chicago… MAN! that’s a dope city)
Greg Dobbs – A trip to 2008. Luke Perry’s Sideburns were sweet when you were in High School but they are so out. get in the now bro-ham.
Carlos Ruiz – Nothing…Your are cute as a button. Don’t change a thing.
-Cole Hamels – A new voice..obviously. I heard him speak on Letterman and several other talk shows….needless to say I definitely don’t want to blow him anymore….. I need a real man.
J.A. Happ – a spot in the rotation….I’m a believer.
Kyle Drabek – Your dad’s haircut.
Chan Ho Park – A one way ticket the F out of town….we will all hate him….
Raul Ibanez – ProActiv Zit solution.
Ryan Howard…. I don’t know…
I’m done… I wasn’t even laughing at my own jokes…which is a bad sign…
Sorry for this.