Ok, What do I do now SERIOUSLY

24 08 2007

I’m at home in Positivetown…aka Beautiful White Rock British Columbia… Having a sexual bbq with some of my closest friends…. Well Jana decides she is going to bring her little buddy who lives in New York but is back to visit….Fine! Whatever! NBD (No Big Deal)…. She has a fashionable male friend who looks like he spends a fair amount of time in the morning making his hair look like he didn’t spend a fair amount of time working on his hair in the morning…. he seems nice. His name is Zack.

 I say “Hi Zack, I’m Steve…Are you from New York too?”

He says. “Yes, I am”

Steve:  “So are you a Yankees fan? Or do I have a Mets fan in my house?”

Obviously thinking that the Mets are the lesser of two evils he says:

“No, don’t worry I’m Mets all the way….I (get this) LOVE the Mets”

Wrong answer….Wrong fucking answer….

Steve: I’m sorry to hear that because you are in a Phillies household pal…. A PHILLIES HOUSEHOLD….”

I proceed to tell him that I respect his sweater and the stylish collared shirt that pokes out of it, but that I’m just not sure that I can allow him to stay

He proceeds to question how I could possibly be a Phil-bags fan when I live on the other side of North America

 I ignore that question and proceed to question his integrity….

He questions the talent of the Phillies…..

I question the strength of his jaw, hold back and then begin to Catalogue all the reasons why the Phillies are so much doper than the Mets…. Burrell’s ass, Meyers’s spousal abuse and Cole Hamels’ birth all factor prominently in my argument by the way.

I decide against listening to his retort and tell him to behave himself in Phillie-town.  He reluctantly obliges… He is actually a very nice person but I just can’t help but think that I should really do something terribly mean to him tonight so that he knows that his allegiance to the Mets will not be tolerated in Vancouver or any of her suburbs.

 I have been wearing my Phillies jersey since he started popping off.

I’m out


This is 5 hours later: I got pics of him wearing a phillies jersey and liking it (I may have been forcing his thumb up and holding his head) but there are pics of him wearing a phils j and liking it….if only I knew how to edit pics it would be posted by now

 Vancouver P-Bag fans 1 – NYC Mets Fans 0




apparently god reads facebook

23 08 2007

i may or may not be rubbing the small of cole hamels' back in this photo


can things go any worse? while listening to the game online tonite the announcers casually mentioned that hamels is going to miss his start tomorrow night so that he can have an mri on his elbow… not sure how they were able to make this announcement without breaking down, but that is not my point.

the real point of this post is that i am pretty sure i am at least partly responsible for this terrible turn of events. a couple of weeks ago after the bourne supremacy and the flyinhawaiian got injured in the same game i changed my facebook status to “greg is pretty sure that god hates the phillies but luckily for us we have a more powerful deity on our side… cole hamels“. anyways, god is clearly trying to prove a point to me. i shouldn’t have said that cole hamels was more powerful than you, i apologize. i have learned a valuable lesson, don’t get into a pissing contest with the creator of mankind. so here is my compromise on this one… i will say that cole hamels is the most powerful left handed deity, you in turn will make sure that cole’s mri goes VERY SMOOTHLY tomorrow, and as a bonus prystline and i will attend church this sunday. i would say this is a fairly good deal for everyone involved, unless of course god is also left handed in which case i guess we are at a bit of an impasse.

*note* yes this is a photo of your sexycrimes bloggers hanging out with cole hamels in san diego. this is shortly after prystline propositioned cole with some oral sex… fortunately he was unresponsive

 UPDATE: no ligament damage to cole hamels’ elbow… on 15 day DL, available again on september 1.  he expects to only miss 2 starts.  i would consider this going SMOOTHLY, not VERY SMOOTHLY… but i am in a good mood and don’t want god to think i am welching on a technicality so prystline and i will be in church on sunday.

what the sexy crimes is all about

23 08 2007

the inspiration behind this blog is to give the perspective of a couple of fans that live 3000 miles(vancouver) from the one thing that matters most in their sporting lives… the philadelphia phillies.  there will be no in-depth analysis of stats, breakdowns of match-ups and certainly no sabremetrics here, because when it comes right down to it thats what not what our love of the phil-bags is all about.  it’s all about spending your entire vacation time(and waaay too much money) from work to do a roadie through la and san diego to watch the phillies on a west coast swing, it’s about being threatened by guys with teardrop tattoos in the top deck of dodger stadium because you are wearing phillies gear, it’s about meeting cole hamels at a dive bar in san diego and doing a celebratory dance afterwards, it’s about yelling at the top of your lungs to chase utley that you will make out with him if he hits a home run and then having him send a blast over the centerifeld wall at petco while you look awkwardly around your section trying to look like you didn’t actually mean it but knowing deep down that if chase was there it would be a different story. 

united countries of baseball map edited to show our region of phillies nationphillies northwest nation

The “DL”

22 08 2007

So Did Zagurski get placed on the real DL for people like Utley, Victorino and Michael (Jason) Bourn?

Or is he on the same “DL” as Eaton and Barajas? You know the DL for guys that have been really really awful for a really really long time until nobody can take it anymore so the team pretends they are injured to save them the embarassment of getting benched.

I didn’t know Barajas hurt his groin until like yesterday… Nobody talks about him anymore…. He is dead to the Phils and I am Ok with that….The Bat has obviously started using Barajas’ Locker for extra storage and a mini-fridge.

Mercifully Eaton came down with his injury just before his last start. Normally this would be a nice opportunity for a pitcher to sort himself out and pump up for a solid finish, but I’m pretty sure Burrell keeps taunting Eaton while he throws his bullpens because he still can’t believe that Eaton pinch ran for him 2 months ago. How’s a guy supposed to work on his stuff with the most intimidating presence in the NL making it rain on him? He can’t….He just can’t.

Anyway… The reason for this particular blurb is; I wonder what the Bat is going to do to assert Alpha Male Dominance over Zagurski now that he is on the fake DL.


lets get naked and start the revolution…

22 08 2007

the only player in the mlb with enough jam to have a pic like this taken of him

it is my dream, and the main purpose of this blog, that one day pat burrell will be properly respected for the great man/ballplayer/teammate/unintentional comedian/ cocksman/saint that he truly is…