Me…Watching the Game… Online…. at Work

5 09 2007

10:02am: I’m So Jacked up and can’t even perform simple calculations right now… I have been trying to figure the taxes on an invoice for the last 5 minutes… That’s a long time.

 This game is extra special because I have money on it. Not much money, but I don’t care if you are betting $1 or $1000, sports are way more fun to watch (online) when you have some wood on it.


10:04:  I just called HR to see about my company employing a full-time chiropractor. 

10:10: The Bat’s first AB…. I predict he goes YA.

10:11: I’ll take the single…. Howard is obviously going YA.

10:13: According to the computer graphics that I watch to show me the game, the third pitch to Rowand was way inside…. If the ump acts like a jerk just because Chipper is sad about not making the playoffs I am going to be one grumpy co-worker today.

I love Bacon Pants.  I’m sure it was a very nice hit.

10:18:  Oh shit…Dobbs keeps making Burrell go back to 2b.  He is not going to be pleased with this.  Robes better start loosening up.  Burrell might decide to call it a day a little early.

10:19:  The Bat is going to KILL Dobbs

10:20:  Hot ab for Dobbs, 11 pitches.  5 of them the Bat had to steal on…. I would have loved to see his face on TV.

 10:23: Jayson Werth is a STONE COLD PIMP… I hope he dyes his gross goatee red for the ‘loffs like Scott Spiezio did last year.  I don’t hope that he gets addicted to drugs and alcohol like Spiezio did though.

10:23:  I don’t think I would mind if Barajas got addicted to Drugs and Alcohol.

10:28:  Just sent my Co-worker off to fill in for me at a meeting/installation at another location because “It would be a good learning experience”…. Boy, I sure hope everything goes well.

10:33:  Oh-oh….The umpire jsut called 2 strikes on Chipper.  I hope he can see the next pitch through all those tears!

 10:44 – Did anyone not have complete, 100% confidence that Utley would get J-Roll in?  Probably not.  By the way…  I think J-Roll reminds me of Jermaine Dupri (except I love J-roll and think that J-Dupri is pretty creepy).  Everytime I think of J-Roll hitting a triple I imagine him getting to third and dusting his collar of first and then doing a little dance where he alternates lifting knees to his chest while flailing his arms to the side.  It probably doesn’t happen, but I wish it did.

10:47 – The Bat homers.  He obviously hit the ball out of the park so that Dobbs couldn’t fuck with him again. 

10:48 – I am wondering why the Perman hasn’t called me from work yet to talk about the game.

10:52 – Ryan Howard just got Hosed at home via Double Cut…Jones-Escobar-Texeira-Mcann…. I NEED THE MLB PACKAGE…

11:05 – Just took a quick facebook break while the Braves were batting.  Got another friend request…. no biggy.

11:05 – I’m so glad that Cole Hamels and Chase Utley and Ryan Howard all accepted my friend requests… I’m pretty sure it’s really them. 

11:27 – According to my pitch locator on the computer that was a horseshit strike-call… Burrell won’t whine about it like Chipper though…. He’ll just strut back to the dugout and take a swig from his waterbottle that’s full of vodka.  That always calms him down.

 11:32 – I just remembered my dream last night.  These are some of the things I remember: 

-Brownbagging with Scott Rolen (I guess the Phils were playing the Cards)

-Perman drinking in the on-deck circle with The Bat

-The Game gets Delayed and The Bat, several other Phillies and Perman sit at a picnic table in the third base coach’s box.

-They are drinking blended drinks and Burrell is smoking

-I ditch Rolen to join, Burrell high fives me and pours me a drink

-That’s it…Pretty amazing dream

11:50 – The Braves are so boring… I don’t have anything to say about any of them… Even Andruw Jones’ slow transformation from Sleek and sexy to fat mess is old news.

12:06 – J-Roll just can’t get over the .300 mark…. He keeps flirting with it, but always gets shut down…Jermaine Dupri needs to play him in the Summer Blockbuster movie about their incredible run to the ’07 World Series.  Russell Crowe will play Burrell… He wouldn’t even need to get into Character…. They are basically the same people.

12:10 – Shit got real in a hurry didn’t it?  5-2.  Bomb, Single, Double….Kendrick Peaces out…Luckily Romero is the pimpest mid-reliever in the MLB.

12:22 – Why Does Manuel always pull Romero?  He was just finding his groove.  I’m Scared…  Who the fuck is Kane Davis?  Hot name, but hot names don’t win ballgames do they Turk Wendell?

12:33 – Phone Rings…………Screened.

12:37 – Mr. Peter LaForest, welcome to the Phillies…. I love you…. Barajas, you are now 4th on the depth chart.

12:39 – Bust it open Utley, Bust it wide open…. I sense another “I totally would make out with Chase Utley if he was  beside me right now!!!” moment.


 12:43 – Nice outing Oscar….

12:47 – Bottom of the 7th…..aaaaaaaaand that should just about do it for Pat…..

12:51 – Yup, good work Burrell, go shower up and head to the Gold Club… you earned it today….Alfonseca is already there.

12:52 – Nice E Roberson…  way to make an impression.  Seriously is it really necessary to put him in?

1:17 – Flash is Killing me…He absolutely LOVES giving up hits….. Give me Meyers!!

1:18 – Got him… Game over. (eventually I will start spelling his name right, but not yet.  I’m just not ready)

1:20 – Nice Pitch Brett…I’m starting to Freak out a little bit.

1:24 – I’m really freaking out now…. Where’s my Ativan?

1:26 – Ball 4 to Harris wasn’t even close to the strike zone was it?  Who’s left to pitch?  put Utley in…. I bet he throws 99 mph.

1:29 – Oh  good Chipper is up with 2 doub-pieces under his belt today already… and Myers isn’t even close to the zone…. WAIT A MINUTE…..2-2…..3-2………I’m not sure if myers has enough strikes in him to battle any foul balls…..WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fly out….

I wish I could taste Chipper’s tears.

1:43 – I hope Utley is Ok

1:49 – Meyer’s is scaring the hell out of me. 

1:50 – A terribly confused man just walked into the reception area of the office while I was nervously pacing around there.  This is what he was wearing:

-Yankees hat with a bunch of little Yankees logos all over it….straight brim, hologram still on.

-Homemade Football Jersey…Red… “LOTT” and 42 stitched on the back that stretched to his knees.  This guy was about 300 pounds.  No way his mother had that kind of foresight to make such a shirt while Ronnie was still playing on the 49er’s….. This had to be recently made…. I can’t wrap my head around it.  When did lot retire? 1989?

– Camoflage pants…Camoflage pants? really?

I threw up a bit in my mouth.

-1:56 – Perih finally calls……(I had missed the last couple batters writing about Big Pun 

1:57 – Um..the braves just won? are you fucking kidding me!?!?!? Did they really just score 3 runs with 2 outs?  I’m not even mad… This is embarassing.  My days actually get ruined when the Phillies lose like this….

Perman’s report tells me that Roberson not only made an E but he misplayed 2 other balls… If this doesn’t keep the Bat in the Line-up for an entire game I don’t know what will.

Meyer’s wife better head to her mom’s house for the next couple days.  I have a feeling he is coming home swinging.   

The Mets are laughing at the Phillies right now.  Thank god I am leaving work at 2:30 today (I know productive day right!)…

I’m devastated.




4 responses

5 09 2007

I’m too busy washing down Xanax with Maker’s Mark to report that the Mets lost this afternoon too.

5 09 2007
Texas Gal

I have to say that a dyed-red goatee thing might actually make Jayson Werth LESS skeevy than he is now. I don’t know how that’s possible- but it’s the truth.

I really need to get me one of those The Bat-style water bottles.

5 09 2007

I just saw the Highlights. That wasn’t a bad loss….that was the worst luck in the entire world…. all you can really do is laugh. That W was just not meant to be.

If everyone filled their water bottles Bat-Style the world would be a better place.

6 09 2007
Young Hustle

I’ll speak on behalf of the entire Mets organization and fan base and say that collectively, yes, we are laughing now. With 1\2 Pedro in the mix finally I really think that we are poised for a long run in October. Just so the two of you know, i do respect the Phillies roster at the moment, and I am very amused by your Phillies propoganda machine and assorted shenanigans. At some point in the future if the Mets are having an off year I could be persuaded to even half-heartedly cheer for the “p-bags” if the two of you wouldn’t be overly offended. I’m not gloating right now, I am just quietly confident.

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