the phillies have an extreme case of mad sexuality

29 11 2007

sexuality defined

i love the phillies new jersey the unveiled today

With a baseball career heading toward its apex and music endeavors evolving with jermaine dupris, Jimmy Rollins may have stumbled into a third calling.


 Rollins hammed it up in a runway setting that would’ve made Tyra Banks or Heidi Klum jealous. He turned, posed and paused at the right times for maximum comic effect. 

i have been wanting to get a white phils jersey for quite some time now, but the pinstriped jerseys look terrible unless they are matched with pinstriped pants (which surprisingly enough i do not own).  i will definitely be picking up a #26 chase utley jersey just as soon as my boy at jersey store 2000 on ebay has them available. 

i can’t believe i am actually doing a post right now… this is mainly due to the fact that i am nursing a crushing hangover and am not capable of getting anything productive done at work (i also casually rolled in at 3 o’clock today).  

Q: so perman, why exactly were you getting so mind numbingly drunk on a wednesday?

A: annual old guys meeting at our fraternity house at ubc… basically an excuse for us recent alumni to visit the house, yell at pledges, crush beers, look at the amateur porn being produced in the house, drink from the booze luge, and sexually harass girls born in the 90’s 

hot segue here… former phillie great mike schmidt was a member of our fraternity so we decided to quiz the pledges on some famous betas.  long story short, about 10 of them came forward (some of them possible communists) and didn’t know what team mike schmidt had played for (la dodgers… go fuck yourself pledge).  also, i was standing in the back of the room wearing a throwback schmidt/phillies t-shirt.  bottom line prystie and i were super choked and are going to make them pay for their lack of knowledge, most likely with a fluorescent light tube to the ass.


 ps. i have decided to put out a formal invitation to pat burrell to join our fraternity chapter at ubc… don’t worry bat, we won’t make you going through the pledge process you can just step right into hazing pledges and banging sorority sex kittens

 cell phones take great pics

 pps.  check out this sexual neon light i bought on ebay… babes are going to be going crazy when i throw this bad boy up

bitches love my new neon light... and if they dont... fuckin' skanks


Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Whose the Biggest Baller of All?

21 11 2007

he answer of course is our boy Jimmy Rollins.  Here’s what transpired in a whirlwind day yesterday for our lovable shortstop


J-Roll was busy practicing his head first slides in his normal practice gear when all of a sudden…Bling Bling…. His rock blows up….. J-Roll wonders aloud what this could possibly be about!!


“Once again I was thinking ‘What’s next fo’ me?”/ Then I got a big call from my homie Steve.

He said Hey, I’m gonna throw you something from me/ Motherfucker up and tells me I’m the EM-Vee-Pee


That’s me Letting J-Roll know he won the “EM-VEE-PEE”


Then J-Roll was all like “Yo I gotta bounce out to LA to get my award”

A nearby paparazzo asked J-Roll why he was going to LA when that wasn’t the official site of the award presentation…  and stated that in fact there might not even be an official site to which J-Roll replied, “Ask my man the Bat”

The group of reporters let out a collective sigh and all groaned in a unified tone resembling Pat’s raspy baritone* “The best Hookers in America!!” as though they had heard him say the same thing hundreds of times before.  I guess because they had heard him say the same thing everytime he was asked what he thought of their westcoast road trips.

*I’ve never actually heard the bat speak but I picture something sexy.

J-Roll left the mob and started to get ready to go to LA… He had lots to do

Such as:


Take a Shower.


Take a Boat trip to his car.


Drive his car to the airport


Release his new Christmas Album “12 Soulful Nights”

Before Finally…..


Getting on his personal jet…All the while singing;

“In the club, VIP is where you find me at/Private Planes, ice chains, I don’t know how to act.”


While taking the opportunity to model a selection from his new ‘Bay Sluggas” Clothing line, Rollins, ever the comedian, quipped…. “hey, that’s a funny looking umpire behind me”

The guy in the ref’s suit then pretended to eject him from the red carpet… Then they slapped hands and did the one-armed hug thing.

 The whole scene was quite something…. totally hilarious.


Just before heading in to pick up his award, J-Roll ran into his old buddy Wyclef.  Wyclef had something on his mind and he whispered into Jimmy’s ear….

Could it be?…. No…. Could it? Could it really be?

Ah yes… Pump up the JAM.


J-Roll decided to sing a little song from his new Xmas album for his crowd of admirers…. one problem though…


That little slut Mariah Carey waddled on stage and started trying to harmonize along to Silent Night with him.  Ew… so gross

Jimmy Finally had enough and decided it was time to pick up his award…. he did that.


And then they gave him this one for also being so musically talented.  The ASCAP music note award for best new artist who also went 30-30-30-30 in a single season (He barely beat out Granderson… Mostly because Granderson doesn’t rap/sing)… is there anything he can’t do?

Finally J-Roll got in his car and put his batting gloves on


He said he was going to go take some cuts in the cage….but we all knew he was lying…. There was one thing and one thing only on this MVP’s mind




is aubrey huff available for the phillies???

13 11 2007


based on this interview, with some guy named bubba on sirius radio, i certainly hope so.  sounds like he and the bat would be a perfect fit for roomies.  Here are the highlights:

huff calls b’more a “piece of shit town”

that hardly seems fair, it looks pretty decent from what i have seen on the wire

Huff: “Vodka and red bull. Vodka and cranberry. No, no. Make it vodka and red bull! Make it happen! Half and half!”
Bubba: “Looks like I’m driving Aubrey home!
Huff: “I’ll get the wife to pick me up. The wife will pick me up!”

drinking on the air is a great move, especially when you start bringing upyour sex life… i am in full support of the proportions he uses to pour a drink, but he should consider using both the redbull and the cranberry… throw in a little club soda for some extra bubbles and you got yourself a real cocktail

Producer: “…Who in here knows exactly how many women they’ve slept with?
Bubba: “Aubrey!”
Aubrey: “I couldn’t even begin to tell ya. I couldn’t even give ya a ballpark. I know I’m over…”
Bubba: “Five hundred?”
Aubrey: “No, no! I’d say between 2 and 300.”

ummm… your wife just called, she may not be picking you up anymore.  looks like bubba is back on the hook for driving you home.

Bubba: “Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you’re not with your wife.”
Huff: “It’s all I do. It’s all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o’clock.”
Producer shouts: “In the afternoon?”
Huff: “Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I’m horny, when I’m hungover, I’m horny. So I’m just gonna beat off. And that’s all I do.”

i could not be more on  the same page as him about the correlation between being hungover and hornyness but if i were a professional athlete i am pretty sure i would never touch my own genitals again, i would probably even get someone to hold it when i had to urinate.  so when he says that all he does is “beat off” i assume that means he has a high class escort TCOB on him or at the very least one of the more feminine looking rookies 

 Producer: “Do you guys do any studying or is there any of that going on? Or is the catcher the only one that’s really gotta study anything?
Huff: “The guys that are studying — it’s bullshit. See ball, hit ball. You know what I mean? You’ve done it your whole life. You see the ball, you hit it. All this studying? Honestly, you’re gonna look at a piece of, a TV? And say this guy, this guy is going to throw me this way? No, he might throw you a different way! Who cares? Just see it and hit it!

note, here are aubrey’s splits over his career… pretty noticeable dropoff in the last couple of years (congrats on your 15 dingers this year) that may or may not be attributed to “3 hours of beating off” before games

Huff:“No, I’ve got my own room. C’mon, I’m not gonna beat off in front of my own roommate. C’mon Bubba!”

Bubba: “What time is the team bus to get to the field, like 5?”

Huff: “Four o’clock.”

Bubba: “So for three hours you’re just jerking the fuck outta yourself.”

Huff:  “You know what they have now in the hotels is the (paas??) for $34.99, you get the whole section.”

Bubba: “Who does that get billed to, you or the Orioles?

Huff:  “No, that’s my own gig. When you check out and she (the hotel clerk) says, $34.99 and she looks at you as you’re checking out: ‘Ahh, you beat the shit outta it, didn’t ya?’ ‘Yeah, pretty much!  Yeah, I jacked the fucking shit outta it!’ ”

a) if he had a roomate i am pretty sure he would still beat off in front of him, i just get that vibe from him

b) he must have a shitty agent, porn at the hotel should obviously be included in his deal

c) i certainly hope he speaks like that to the women that work at the hotels they are staying at… his mom must be so proud of him


Hot Trade

8 11 2007

Lidge and that other guy for Jason Bourn, Geary and Mike Costanzo…. I’m all about this trade.  I’m positive that Lidger still has it and I agree that Meyers is a better option for the rotation than anyone else on the market.  (Do you think Lohse and Boras both had to stifle laughter when they told the Phillies that it would cost them $40 million to re-sign him?…. I picture Them basically prank calling Gillick where Both Boras and Lohse have their ears to the phone, Lohse keeps covering his mouth and snorting while Boras keeps making wilder and wilder demands in between covering the mouthpiece and snickering while shushing Lohse….. 

 Anyway…. So on the surface this seems like a trade made in an attempt to bolster both the Bully and The Rotation….. and again I love the trade.  However I believe there was another, more important reason for the trade…. Although purely speculation at this point, I almost positive that one of this year’s recipients of the Chris Pronger award took the honor a little bit too far.  It seems pretty obvious to the Sexy Criminals that Jason Bourn did in fact “Run Train” on that pretty blonde reporter and as a result was forced to demand a trade to Houston.  Scandalous? Absolutely…..but I’m hoping that Robes is put on waivers or released within the next couple of days.  That way we will know for sure that Train got Run and that no matter who the father turns out to be, the Blonde reporter is going to have one fast child who receives very little financial support…..She should hope it is Bourn’s….at least he can catch a fly ball.

 Also, The Bat’s excitability during the playoff run  where he mistakenly revealed himself as the fastest Philly ever made Bourn expendable anyway…. Look what you’ve done Pat….. Look what you’ve done!  Now you might have to play more than 6 innings a game.

Hopefully this will teach Pat to be the first man into celebrate big wins next season.

In other News, I can’t stand Coco Crisp and will be choked if the Phils sign him to replace BPants.  My Hatred really doesn’t have anything to do with his talent or the way he plays the game…. I basically just hate him because we decided to pick on him and the way he wore his hat while in the CF beer garden at Safeco field 2 summers ago.  He didn’t respond well and I have disliked him every since…. Wily Mo Pena on the other hand is a pimp.

We should trade for Wily Mo…. Then him and Howard can have a Strike-out contest.  First to 200 gets a Car….A Plymouth Reliant.  Get it???? a K Car! 


I need to stop now before I embarass myself.