Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Whose the Biggest Baller of All?

21 11 2007

he answer of course is our boy Jimmy Rollins.  Here’s what transpired in a whirlwind day yesterday for our lovable shortstop


J-Roll was busy practicing his head first slides in his normal practice gear when all of a sudden…Bling Bling…. His rock blows up….. J-Roll wonders aloud what this could possibly be about!!


“Once again I was thinking ‘What’s next fo’ me?”/ Then I got a big call from my homie Steve.

He said Hey, I’m gonna throw you something from me/ Motherfucker up and tells me I’m the EM-Vee-Pee


That’s me Letting J-Roll know he won the “EM-VEE-PEE”


Then J-Roll was all like “Yo I gotta bounce out to LA to get my award”

A nearby paparazzo asked J-Roll why he was going to LA when that wasn’t the official site of the award presentation…  and stated that in fact there might not even be an official site to which J-Roll replied, “Ask my man the Bat”

The group of reporters let out a collective sigh and all groaned in a unified tone resembling Pat’s raspy baritone* “The best Hookers in America!!” as though they had heard him say the same thing hundreds of times before.  I guess because they had heard him say the same thing everytime he was asked what he thought of their westcoast road trips.

*I’ve never actually heard the bat speak but I picture something sexy.

J-Roll left the mob and started to get ready to go to LA… He had lots to do

Such as:


Take a Shower.


Take a Boat trip to his car.


Drive his car to the airport


Release his new Christmas Album “12 Soulful Nights”

Before Finally…..


Getting on his personal jet…All the while singing;

“In the club, VIP is where you find me at/Private Planes, ice chains, I don’t know how to act.”


While taking the opportunity to model a selection from his new ‘Bay Sluggas” Clothing line, Rollins, ever the comedian, quipped…. “hey, that’s a funny looking umpire behind me”

The guy in the ref’s suit then pretended to eject him from the red carpet… Then they slapped hands and did the one-armed hug thing.

 The whole scene was quite something…. totally hilarious.


Just before heading in to pick up his award, J-Roll ran into his old buddy Wyclef.  Wyclef had something on his mind and he whispered into Jimmy’s ear….

Could it be?…. No…. Could it? Could it really be?

Ah yes… Pump up the JAM.


J-Roll decided to sing a little song from his new Xmas album for his crowd of admirers…. one problem though…


That little slut Mariah Carey waddled on stage and started trying to harmonize along to Silent Night with him.  Ew… so gross

Jimmy Finally had enough and decided it was time to pick up his award…. he did that.


And then they gave him this one for also being so musically talented.  The ASCAP music note award for best new artist who also went 30-30-30-30 in a single season (He barely beat out Granderson… Mostly because Granderson doesn’t rap/sing)… is there anything he can’t do?

Finally J-Roll got in his car and put his batting gloves on


He said he was going to go take some cuts in the cage….but we all knew he was lying…. There was one thing and one thing only on this MVP’s mind







4 responses

21 11 2007

no wonder this post took you 3 hours… it took me like 15 minutes just to read it

21 11 2007

Having personally spoken to The Bat, I can tell you that he’s actually quite quiet and reserved. And he wears super-tight cashmere sweaters. And rocks about eight gallons of hair gel. And he’s unbelieveably gigantic and hot in person. But that is neither here nor there. We’re talking about J-Roll here.


21 11 2007

“The ASCAP music note award for best new artist who also went 30-30-30-30 in a single season” Too. Freaking. Funny.

I, too, once spoke to the Bat. All I could think was, “oh dear lord, you are so incredibly tall. You know, and hot.” Fortunately, my inner dialogue remained just that.

21 11 2007
Texas Gal

I laughed out loud at least four times while reading this.

And I must object to the characterization of Pat as “reserved” — the Pat I partied with was, how shall I say…. very social.

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