meeting chase utley

20 12 2007

chase has a very wide stance

so myself and some friends of mine (sans prystline) went to vegas last weekend and at the same time a group of girls we know from vancouver were there for a girls trip.  we had booked our trips separately and had planned to not really see each other while we were in town because we figured what’s the fun of hanging out with the same people from home when you are on vacation.
a cousin of one of the girls went to ucla and was coming out to vegas that same weekend. so after hanging out with him and his “friends” on friday night one of the girls from vancouver calls me on saturday day and drops this on me:
“hey you know andreas cousin from ucla, well he is here with some of his old college buddies and a couple of them play baseball and one of them plays for the phillies”
now, she knows that i am a big phillies fan, but she definitely did not know the extent of what she is saying… i of course i flip waaaay out and say
“there is no fucking way you were partying with chase utley last night???”
she goes “oh ya, chase, that was his name… he is super nice”
all i want to do is chase chase all over las vegas and basically re-enact a 45 minute episode of the chris farley show
“hey chase remember that time you were in san diego this summer and i was there and you hit a homerun?”
“that was awesome”
…and repeat
fast forward to around 430am after the clubs close on saturday night and i get a text from them asking me to come meet her at their hotel (which was right next door to ours).  i get an inkling of what may be going down, so i throw on my trusty, beat up, phils hat and head on over (forgetting my camera due to the roughly 800 vodka soda limes i had ingested that night).  finally, after a lot of back and forth texting and getting lost a few times in the casino, i eventually see her and she is most definitely standing with mr. chutley himself.  i am obviously in a complete daze, and can barely compose myself but i manage to shake his hand, introduce myself, tell him how awesome he is, what a big fan i am and how i want to blow him, but not too hard (i actually managed to stay away from the oral sex part, but afterwards wondered how funny it would be if that was the sexy criminals thing… every time we meet players we tell them we want to blow them and see how awkward it gets).  he was just getting ready to take off, so then he asked me where to change in his chips, i pointed him in the direction of the cashier, he told me i had an awesome friend, we exchanged fist pounds… and then he was off in the distance forever.
he was quite a bit bigger than i would have imagined, both in height and tone.  the girls told him about thesexycrimes (see you in philly this summer if you’re reading this chase) and also asked him (on my behalf) about the taco bell story, which he had no idea about and wanted to know where they had heard it.


ps. for those of you counting at home, that is 2 uber phillies stars that the sexy criminals have met in the past 5 months… AND WE LIVE IN VANCOUVER!!! look alive pat the bat… we’re coming for you, and there will be no escaping the awkward oral sex offer


paul lo douchebag

11 12 2007

“I’m excited to be part of a team that’s young and has a chance to win this division,” Lo Duca said Tuesday after passing a physical to make the deal official. “The NL East is wide open.”

 i’m excited that this piece of shit is still in our division and am looking forward to beating the nationals on a very regular basis this season.

 ps. paul, have a great time bonding with elijah dukes and rekindling the old flame with lastings milledge… both those guys seem like real good clubhouse guys, and along with yourself the nationals look like they are building a team around a bunch of real high class citizens

it's pretty shocking that this guy had sex with a minor Lastings Milledge

Prior to the 2003 amateur draft, he was expected to be among the top three selections, but as draft day approached, press reports from 2002 resurfaced regarding Milledge’s expulsion from Northside Christian High School after his junior year for allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old girl.

he ain't even bullshittin' Elijah Dukes

Since 1998, he has been arrested 6 times on charges including possession of marijuana, assault, and resisting an officer. On May 23, 2007 it was reported that his wife filed a restraining order after he threatened to kill her. On June 12, 2007, a 17 year-old foster child, who was living in the care of a relative of Dukes, accused him of impregnating her. Police say the sex was apparently consensual, and no crime was committed, but they are investigating. When the girl confronted Dukes, he allegedly got angry and threw a bottle of Gatorade at her.

He also sent this lovely text message to his beautiful wife:

“Hey, dawg. It’s on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bulls——-. Your kids too, dawg. It don’t even matter to me who is in the car with you. N—–, all I know is, n—–, when I see your m—–f——- a– riding, dawg, it’s on. As a matter of fact, I’m coming to your m—–f—— house.”

She also says Dukes called her and told her to check her cell phone.  He sent a text message with a photo of a handgun, she said.

warning... do not let your kids sit on paul's lap Paul Lo Douchebag

Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca’s troubles increased Wednesday when a 19-year-old Long Island girl told a New York paper she had been having an affair with the catcher, one day after the team said it would look into allegations of gambling problems.

At least these guys will have something to talk about during spring training (would love to be a fly on that wall)… however, the question remains “is statutory rape a ‘sexy crime’?” discuss amongst yourselves