operation meet the bat

28 01 2008

an interview with the bat

Between You and Graham Morrison

11:03pm Jan 26th
im at hotel scottsdale
they’re throwing a pool party next saturday called grid iron greats
its a huge celebrity party to raise funds for old nfl’ers.
the guestlist is about 100 deep with big celeb names, one of which happens to be pat ‘the bat’ burrell. tickets are 700 bucks but im scoping the site for illegal entry points. i’ll keep you posted.
Today at 9:54am
yikes-a-bee… what hotel is it? this is extremely exciting news
Today at 1:32pm
hotel scottsdale
i kept my key card for my room so hopefully that will get us on site.
what hotel are we at in vegas? will i be able to check in on my own?


Between Steve Prystie and You

Today at 4:42pm
a) gmo is in scottsdale right now and the hotel he is staying at is having a big superbowl party on saturday night and one of the celeb guests is the one and only pat burrell. he is currently working on a skeeze to sneak us into the party as the tickets are 700$

b) i saw bertuzzi, sakic, modano and some other nhl’ers in cabo on friday night and got a hot photo with them

Today at 5:22pm
fuck you perih…. seriously….just fuck you….. I might…very very very sliom chance……Like 5%….be in Phoenix for the superbowl too… I will obviously let you know…. the Burrell thing ups the likelihood to like 7%…..

Phils signed Feliz…they actually want to have every single bad thirdbaseman on their team.

Today at 5:23pm
dude… come. its going to be unreal

feliz is still better than what they had

maybe we can trade helms for a rosin bag

Today at 5:24pm
I have the BBRB which I love…… everyone is really bugging me about that though too…I totally want to just say “Fuck It!!!”

Did you get tickets to the superbowl or are you just going to tailgate and have an amazing time?

Today at 5:27pm
oh ya… bbrb, that is going to be sweet. oraganizing things is a monumental pain in the ass.

no tickets. just going to hang out and party/possibly skeeze tickets from a celeb


hilarity ensues in cabo

25 01 2008

long story short, we get local channels down here on satellite and while watching sportsnet pacific i saw the following headline come across the ticker “jays find catching solution”

this was followed by the information that the blue jays had signed rod barajas to a 1 year contract.  congrats toronto (and kilby), enjoy barajas futility.

 i on the other hand am going to get back to enjoying the sun, some frozen cocktails and hawaiian tropic


ps.  if you don’t think the first thing i did while on the beach in cabo was to track down a henna tattoo vendor and get him to put a phils tatty on my calf then you are sorely mistaken.  photos and longer story to follow

pat the chat*

17 01 2008

typical day in the sexy crimes offices

*i have to admit that i stole the title of this post from an email from clare of plunkchutley, but it was too good not to use.

it’s two days until i go away for 2 weeks to mexico/vegas/phoenix and i have a piss load of work to finish before i leave, so how do i spend a good hour yesterday…. yes, peppering pat burrell with questions on his live chat and hoping he will answer one (plus however long i am going to spend on this post).  anyways, i was a little perturbed that the bat didn’t answer any of the questions that i asked but i am taking solace in the fact that i assume that someone else was moderating the questions for him because there is no way the bat could have restrained himself from great questions such as: 

“do you want to go to vegas and get weird with girls”

“i noticed your hair always looks so nicely coiffed in the outfield, what sort of product do you use”

“do you need a dj/mc for your wedding”

“do you want to come to vancouver and hang out with some of your biggest fans”

“which player do you make the most fun of in the locker room”

“do you think you could set the single season homerun record if you didn’t get defensively substituted every game in the 6th inning” (he sort of referred to this in a different question)

“what are the chances of you hitting a triple this year”

and of course “do you want me to blow… but not too hard”

i also asked some normal type questions, but none of those got through either.  here is the transcript from his chat yesterday with some comments from myself:

Phillies1: Do you think Philly will win 100 games in 2008?

Burrell: I think that’s a heck of a goal to have as a team. We want to get back in the playoffs and build on what we started last year. Whether that’s 90 or 100 wins, just getting to the playoffs is key. We have some unfinished business.

unfinished business = girl he met in colorado that he didn’t get a chance to bang

Thanatos: What is the clubhouse normally like before a game?

Burrell: It depends. About half an hour before the game, guys are doing their own thing — listening to music, stretching, whatever. Mostly, the guys do what they have to do to get ready to play.


Thanatos:What is your off-season workout like?

Burrell: It’s changed a little over the years, but the older I get, the faster I have to start. I usually start around the middle of November, spending most of my time in Arizona. Right now, I’m in Florida at the complex.

ps.  this thanatos cocksucker got 3 questions through… fuck him.  i really hope pat goes back to az for the superbowl, i will do everything in my power to track him down there

pilgrim08: Have you ever played fantasy baseball? If so, have you ever drafted yourself?

Burrell: No, I don’t play fantasy baseball. I’ve heard a lot of people say I lose them money in their fantasy drafts, though!

i can only imagine what the bat thinks “fantasy” baseball entails… ps, count me in for drafting him again this year

phi6666666:How do you feel going into the season losing Aaron Rowand, but gaining Geoff Jenkins?

Burrell:They are both veteran players. Rowand, being in center, was a big part of our team on and off the field. With Shane Victorino taking his spot, he’ll do as good, if not better, defensively. Jenkins was a heck of a pickup for the team. He’s a good fit and I’ve known him for a long time. We live close to each other in Arizona. He will fit in great.

read: we skeeze on babes together all the time

philskid: Pat, what did you do differently offensively in the second half of the season?

Burrell: I got a lot more hits.

these are the kind of jerk answers i was hoping for a lot more of

Thanatos: What ballpark, other than Citizens Bank Park, do you enjoy playing in the most?

Burrell: Wrigley Field is tough to beat. That’s a fun place to play. I also like Dodger Stadium and playing in San Francisco, but Wrigley is my favorite.

clearly has never been in the upperdeck of dodger stadium

phi6666666:Would you consider signing a contract extension with the Phillies or are you going to move on?

Burrell:I’d love to sign back with the Phillies. Whether or not it works out, I’ve been very happy with the time I’ve had here. Like I said, though, I’d love to re-sign.

hobokendan: Pat, what is the status of your nagging foot injury? Is it something that gets progressively worse as you go through the grind of a 162 game season?

Burrell: I consider it a non-issue. There are some days I run real good and some days I can’t, but that’s the wear and tear of the season. I was never a fast runner, so it’s unfortunate that the foot thing keeps coming up.

unless he is running onto the field to congratulate teammates… then he  mysteriously morphs into jesse owens

dbth23: Do you like Philadelphia?

Burrell: I love it. I’ve spent the first eight seasons living downtown and I’ve had a blast. The restaurants are unbelievable and it’s a great place to walk my dog. I wouldn’t want to move out of the city.

had a blast=had several std’s

great place to walk my dog=i like to do girls from behind

ballfreak86: Which road trip do you look forward to the most during the season?

Burrell: I look forward to going to the West Coast, but you pay for it coming back due to the time change. In the East, we have a nice travel schedule because of the division. It’s nice being able to drive to New York and Washington. It’s great being able to stay in the same time zone.

west coast… home of the sexy criminals, no surprise there

canesfan11: Did it feel awesome when you beat Billy Wagner a couple of times?

Burrell: It feels good whenever you can contribute to the game, especially against a division rival.

wow… pretty classy answer, i assume that was edited by the phils pr guy.  original answer: “it felt even more awesome when i nailed his wife in front of his kids” 

ballfreak86: Pat, who was your baseball idol growing up?

Burrell: George Brett.

ballfreak86: Who is the hardest pitcher you have faced, and who do you think is the best hitter in the game?

Burrell:The hardest pitcher for me is John Smoltz. I haven’t had any success off Pedro Martinez, but, hopefully, that will change. As a pure hitter, our second baseman [Chase Utley] is right up there, and for pure power, is anybody better than Ryan Howard?

spboy33:I loved how you got to Brett Myers before Chris Coste in last year’s NL East clincher. Were you planning to do that or were you just caught in the moment?

Burrell: I had two innings to get ready to run out there. By the time it happened, I just started running. During my time in Philadelphia, that was the best time I ever had. The celebration with the fans was just incredible.

this is his first reference to being sat out at the end of games…

ballfreak86:Since this an online chat, do you spend much time on the Internet?

Burrell: No, I don’t even have a computer.

ouch… i hope he gets the sexy crimes articles faxed to him

canesfan11: Are you planning on having a monster year?

Burrell: I’ve never been more excited to start a season like I am this year. As far as what we did last year and my future being uncertain, I just couldn’t be more excited. Hopefully, I will have a great year.

ballfreak86: Any other hobbies besides baseball?

Burrell:I golf a lot in the offseason.

personally my favorite part about golf is sexually harassing the beer cart girl… can you imagine how the bat gets down with that???

mlhty: What’s the best part of playing in Philly, in your opinion?

Burrell:I’d have to say the ballpark and the fans. The whole last series down the stretch, when we were fighting and the Mets were choking, the city was just awesome and rallied around us. It was exciting to be a part of.

mets choking… nice.  pr guy asleep at the wheel

bobby26: Pat, do you think you can hit 40 homers this year?

Burrell: I think I’m capable of it. I’d like to finish the games and get more at-bats. I fall about 130 at-bats behind everybody else. I think 40 would be attainable if I completed every game and get the at-bats I used to get. But Charlie [Manuel]is the manager and he does what’s best for the club. Not that I disagree him, but I’m a competitor. I want to play.

angling for more at bats… i totally support this.  in an earlier post i broke down what his numbers would have been like if he got the same amount of at bats as a normal #5 hitter and they were pretty unreal

utleyistheman: What is your preferred slot in the batting order?

Burrell:It’s not important where I hit. What’s important is separating your two best left-handed hitters. With losing Rowand, Carlos Ruiz and I are the only right-handed hitters in the lineup. So, I don’t have a preferred spot.

lets see… best two left handed hitters??? utley and howard… unless he thinks utley should go #2 in the lineup and victorino should bat later in the order i am pretty sure he wants to bat cleanup

spboy33: If you could play any other position what would it be?

Burrell: I’d pitch.

they should bring him in to throw at david wright

hobokendan:Pat, was there a particular moment when the team realized that it could overtake the Mets for the division title?

Burrell: When we realized we could get them was when Chase got the game-winning hit off Wagner and we swept them at home. That was when we knew.

g sports bar… casual 3 hour lunch, great day

brett1955: We know it has sometimes been a tough road to hoe with the fans in Philadelphia, but I just want to say that I, and I believe many of the fans, hope you are able to finish your career here. If not, I hope you can extend your career as long as possible.

Burrell: Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. In anything you do, there are going to be ups and downs, but this city has treated me great and I’d love to finish my career here.

seriously… this is the 4th time he mentions wanting to stay in philly… dude is cil with the city of brotherly love

Burrell: Thanks for the questions, guys. We’ll see you at the park this year.

and at the bars

utley has a live chat today at 12:30, i have a industry luncheon that unfortunately they won’t reschedule for me and my boss doesn’t agree with me that my obsession with the phillies should come before my work responsibilities…hurtful.  hopefully prystline can get a question in