The Inevitable Conversation

13 02 2008

The following is a phone call that WILL take place at some point this season:

~Ring~ ~Ring~

Kris Benson: Hey Yo Pat! Whats Up Man? What’s going on?

The Bat: Um, this isn’t Pat….this is ummm….Stan.

KB: Aw Fuck off Pat, I know it’s you. What’s up dude?

The B: I don’t know what you’re talking about.  This is…um..Stu…I mean Stan….

KB: Pat, I have call display… It says “Pat the Clean-up Hitting Bat”…just like you told me your new name for 2008 was.

The B: What the Fuck is call display?!?!??! Is that some sort of interweb thing?  You know I can’t use computers!!!!

KB: Ok, so it is you then, what do you want? It’s 3am dude….

The B: Nah man it’s Stan…… Is Anna there?

KB: Um yah…why?

The B: No reason man.  Can I talk to her for a quick sec?

KB: Seriously?

The B: Seriously.

KB: Why?

The B: Henson, you ask a lot of fucking questions for a guy on a minor league contract.

KB: My name is Benson, Pat, Kris Benson….

The B: Yah Yah dude whatever.

KB:  I was a number one overall pick pal okay?  I’m coming back in a big way….

The B: You know who else was a number one pick Gary……


 The B: Yah whatever pal…. You know who else was a number one pick Kris?  I was. But guess what?  I make like 50 million dollars a year and I can get married on spaceships if I want to.  How much do you make again?

KB:  I make the minimum Pat, but it is an incentive laden contract…INCENTIVE LADEN!!! all it takes is one good year and I’ll be back on top… I know it

The B: Um Yah…so is Anna there?

KB: Dude why do you want to talk to my wife?

The B:  Well Kris, I would think that should be pretty obvious to you by now.  I’m Pat Burrell…

KB: What does that even mean?

The B: Look Kris, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.  You can put her on the phone so I can have phone sex with her or you can hang up and pretend like I am not running train on your wife like my boy Jason Bourne ran train on that blonde reporter at the end of last season…

KB: Isn’t his name Michael Bourn?

The B: Yah but I love Matt Damon… remember how sweet those movies were…Totally sweet…If I wasn’t a left fielder I would totally be police officer!!

KB: Wasn’t he actually like an undercover, brainwashed spy who was trained to kill for the government?

The B: Hey, don’t you live in an apartment?

KB: um Yah….temporarily until I find a place..

The B: Keep telling yourself that pal… I live in a mansion, with a pool, several cars and a fucking housekeeper…. if you ever try to correct me again so help me God I will grab your belly and call you fat just like I do to every girl that won’t sleep with me… you don’t want that do you? Do you?…..NOW!! Put Anna on the goddam phone.

KB: What if I don’t Pat?  Are you going to grab her belly and call her fat?

The B: It didn’t get that far Kris, she slept with me the first time I told her to. 

KB: Fuck You Asshole…Why are you calling me at 3am!?!?!

The B: Shit Kris, do we need to get So Taguchi’s translator over there? Am I speaking fucking Chinese?

KB: I think he’s actually Japanese…. 

The B: Huh? Japa-what?….whatever… I am Krunked up.  I have been drinking Patron and chasing it with….well more Patron, since I got pulled in the 6th inning today…. I want to have sex with your wife and I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with me….. AGAIN!!!!

KB: What do you mean ‘AGAIN’?……. (Yells as he cover the phone…”ANNA GET UP HERE”)..This is my wife Pat… I get it okay! She’s has been in some magazines, she is attractive, but that doesn’t mean that she is running around sleeping with all my teammates..

The B: Not all of them Kris, just me…..and sometimes Alfonseca when we get her super deer-faced….. you really should see how funny it is when he props his belly up on….nevermind….

KB: Fuck you Pat, I don’t even want to be in the same clubhouse as you…this is such bullshit…

The Bat: Pretty sure you won’t have to worry about that much longer Mr. 1-7…. you make Eaton look like Cole fucking Hamels…..

KB: Oh yah? Why don’t you fuck Cole’s wife then?

The B: Old news…Been there done that…But you know what Kris, I feel bad for you.  And since I am a nice guy I’ll tell you what….I’ll just jerk off on her tonight.  But that’s only because you are a teammate.  You should have seen what I did to Wagner’s wife in front of his kids…. Whoa man….that got weird.

KB: She’s right here actually Pat, why don’t you tell her what you’ve told me?

The B:  Why don’t you Kris?…. I dare you.

KB: Ha…Hey Anna, Pat Burrell says he wants you to go over to his mansion and let him jerk off on you, but I told him……

Anna? Anna?…..

~Door Slams, High Heeled footsteps pitter-patter across the drive way, car turns on, peels out of the driveway…~


The B: Sorry dude…. that’s just how I roll……






4 responses

14 02 2008
Stephen Schneider

Dude… dude… I laughed so hard I coughed up part of my lunch through my nose. It hurt but it was so worth it… the thought of Alfonsucka having sex with anything is priceless.

14 02 2008

hahahhaha. baseball, welcome back.

14 02 2008

I think I’m going to faint from laughing.

14 02 2008

Snarfing Diet Coke does NOT feel good. Dammit.

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