A brief and unauthorized Brett Myers Biography

18 02 2008

-Brett Allen Myers was born on August 17, 1980

-5 minutes later he punched the nurse

-During his formative years he wanted to become a boxer

-He beat up some dude that made a comment about his receding hairline outside a of bar

-John C. McGinley happened to be at there with a radar gun that night.  Clocked him throwing punches at 90+, offered him a contract with a 25 grr signing bonus on the spot, Myers celebrated by making out with Jessica Biel…….

-that might have actually been “Summer Catch”

-regardless, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lillard were never to be seen in a motion picture again.

-Fez continued to hump his way through Hollywood.

-Myers punches his wife outside of Fenway Park.

-Charges are dropped

-2007, Myers is the opening day starter.  Gets moved to the Bullpen

-Ryan Dunne is inexplicably not called up to fill his spot in the rotation.

-Myers closes the game to clinch a playoff spot

-He loses his mind

-So do P-line and Perman

-Myers reports to spring training on February 14, 2008 (his wife is too scared to protest)

-He issues this comment:  “Sequels are terrible,” Myers deadpanned. “You can’t predict it twice. That’s why Jimmy went with his sequel, of 100 wins. The plot has changed for us. I guess their favorite movie was us last year, or something. I don’t know.” (Talking about the Mets…they don’t protest either)

-P-line laughs super hard picturing him saying this and then remembers when Myers called a reporter a “retard”

-P-line laughs even harder remembering how the reporter asked if Myers could spell “retard”

-P-line then wonders why exactly he wrote this ridiculously weird post.

-P-Line figures the red wine had something to do with it.

-P-line remembers that he has to work in 7 hours.

-P-line will probably erase this post as soon as he gets in to work….late….again.

-Prystline

oh Yah….one more thing…..

-“Dreams that, hopefully, will not be narrated by Dane Cook.”  Jayson Stark from ESPN said this… Hottest line of the season thus far.  Totally uncalled for, but so appropriate…Huge Props to JS for finding a place to sneak that little backhand into his article

I fucking hate Dane Cook.

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2 responses

18 02 2008
Clare

I can’t believe I’m the same age as Brett Myers. He simultaneously seems so much older and yet so much more immature than me.

4 01 2009
coffee

whatever happened to is it me, Freddie Prinze Jr., anyway?

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