opening day… solo

31 03 2008

me and chewbacca at g sports bar

its apparently the “year end” at prysties job, and he has to do work this lunch hour, so he can’t come with me for an extended lunch break meaning i have to go to g sports bar all by myself and watch the phillies opening day game.  it’s so depressing and weird, i hope i don’t end up having to talk with the other creepy solo patrons at the bar.

here is what i see in my crystal ball for today:

phillies 8- nats 3

myers: 7 2/3, 2 runs, 5 hits, 7 ks

howard: hr, 3 rbi

burrell: 2 rbi

utley: a double, 3 runs scored

the sexy criminals in happier times



the number 48

30 03 2008


what does this number mean… according to wikipedia:

Forty-eight is:

But most importantly 48 is the number of days until we come to philadelphia for our very first phillies game!!!

we have been working for a couple of weeks on putting together a trip for the may long weekend to go to the jays-phillies series and have just finished booking all the details today (including seats for saturdays game in the first row in left field right behind the bat).  we will be travelling with 4 other sexy accomplices (rob “mystic tan” banks, mike “triceps” carpenter, colin “600$ at petco” mann, and erik “don’t get us killed in philly” kilburn) on our adventure with a tour itinerary that would make kayne jealous.  oozing sexuality

Wednesday, May 14

-leave vancouver after work, drive to seattle, hit up chopstix

Thursday, May 15

-catch 7am flight to vegas, check into the palazzo tower at the venetian by 10:30, poolside no later than 11, hawaiian tropic on body by 11:01. 

Friday, May 16

-6am flight to chicago, bleacher seats for the 1:20 cubs vs pirates game at wrigley.

Saturday, May 17

-fly to philly mid-day, 1st row seats in left field for first ever phillies game.

Sunday, May 18

-day game at cbp, post game patron with the bat.

Monday, May 19

-fly back to seattle and drive home. 

the louis vuitton don would be proud of our itinerary kayne… possible 2009 all-star


pat the bat seals the deal…on video

18 03 2008


without a question this is the greatest video in the history of the internet… and it proves that burrell was prongering reporters before chris even got to edmonton.  here’s the link and some highlights: 

0:16- pat (sporting an oversized, short sleeved yellow button up) comments on the average age of the residents in the complex and chats up some young babe in the lobby who hurriedly backs away from him

0:26- leslie gudel “pretends” to look around the condo like she hasn’t been there before

0:42- “have you ever sat at that desk before” = “remember when you railed me on that desk before”… also pat admits to having a laptop to play solitaire and read the sexy crimes

0:48- making sure he hadn’t left the panties from last nights conquest in the cushions

1:03- the bat laughs at the idea of doing laundry

1:12- pat seems upset that he can’t see the tv from his favorite chair… apparently they are both nailed to the ground and he is unable to move them around the room

1:27- only item in the cupboard: party cups!

1:48- “what are you going to do… throw it away”

2:00- pat only works on his art after church

2:05- the bat now drinking a beer during the tour, and leslie has herself a party cup probably with a margarita in it.  i bet burrell makes a mean frozen cocktail

2:12- pat invites leslie to join him in his jacuzzi


2:43- shepards: beach type place, tiki bar, bathing suits, can swim home from there if you get in trouble

3:00- buddha on his bed for good luck:

a) he obviously does not need good luck when it comes to the bedroom

b) chances it has a pinhole camera in it: 100%

3:27- in case you were wondering.  gulf of mexico… not an ocean. 


3:40- “good little whatever that was there” good endorsement for the education system at the U

4:02- pat explains that he didn’t want a telescope in order to watch the old people in his complex do water aerobics and looks over at the beach where he would have the telescope aimed at

4:15- why don’t you get your camera crew out of here and lets get down to business

before she was married there were rumors most of the phils had at her. Rumors spawn from truth so im sure she had at it with at least 1 of them.

Well the real rumor was that she was with Pat Burrell years ago. Im not sure if people are mixing women up. Cause I never heard the Guidel is banging a bunch of guys stuff

theres some pretty good comments in here about the pictures of jade maccarthy getting doused in the phillies locker room last year after they won the nl east



kiss/blow the chef

12 03 2008

can't believe i had never found this photo before

this photo is from one of pat’s buddies blogs.  a pga golfer by the name of pat perez.  he has some interesting entries in his blog in reference to the bat:

“Hey Everyone. Double P here checking in from Scottsdale this week. I just got back home Monday after a weekend out in Philadelphia. I headed back east to hang with my bud Pat Burrell (LF, Phillies.) He trains and lives in Scottsdale during the off season so he, Mark Mulder (Pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals) and I definitely have a good time and tear it up when our seasons end.”

“I headed out last Thursday night and Burrell was flying in from the Phillies’ series at Milwaukee. We met up, grabbed dinner and geared up for a long weekend at the ballpark.”

“That was pretty much my weekend – three ball games, a couple rounds of BP and getting to hit the town with King Burrell. He really is ‘the man’ in Philly.”

Going to make most of the time off next week. My bud Pat Burrell and the Phillies will be in San Diego taking on my Padres for a three game home stand. I haven’t seen the Padres in person since last season, so I’m really looking forward to a few games back home. Planning on staying downtown and hanging with Burrell a bit after the games. A lot of new stuff has opened up in the Gaslamp Quarter downtown, so I’ll get a chance to check all that out.

this is pretty much how i expect our next trips to watch phillies games to work out.  this guy certainly makes it sound like “king burrell” pretty much puts everything on hold, including his job as a baseball player (and that is why we love him), in order to go out boozing and partying with his friends when they are around.  i would imagine that a night hanging out with “the man” in philly doesn’t involve too many zima lights!

what are they putting in the water at this school???

i can understand the women’s tennis player (gina meyer) listing burrell as her favorite athlete.  i mean, sure it is a catholic school and all but she obviously got done up by king burrell

but the men’s cross country runner (john mcfadden) who lists the bat not as his favorite athlete but as his ROLE MODEL.  i mean he is obviously our role model around here, but does this catholic school know who ‘pat burrell” is and what he is all about???  i think if they did then poor lj(ps that nickname makes no sense) could be facing expulsion.  don’t worry though buddy, if you get booted out of college there is always room for you as a sexy criminal.

we should replace eaton with dalygreat article today in yahoo about john daly missing his tee time at this weeks pro-am and being disqualified from the entire tournament as well as his swing coach refusing to work with him any more.

His disqualification comes one day after Butch Harmon, one of golf’s most renowned swing coaches, said he was done working with Daly because the two-time major champion appeared more interested in drinking than working on his game.

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life,” Harmon said. “And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

Daly, playing on a sponsor’s exemption because he no longer has his full PGA Tour card, spent a 2 1/2 -hour rain delay during the first round in a Hooters corporate tent behind the 17th green at Innisbrook. He was 3 over, and when play resumed, he had Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden caddie for him the rest of the day. Daly ended up with a 77.

Daly spent Saturday at the Hooters “Owl’s Nest” at the tournament, drinking beer, mingling with fans and signing autographs, including one on the back of a woman’s pants.  

do we have confirmation that pat burrell was actually in phils training camp when this was going on?  what sounds more like the bat: taking bp and playing in some meaningless grapefruit league games OR hanging out in the hooters corporate tent and signing parts of women’s bodies??? it should be noted that phillies camp and the golf course that this tournament were at are separated by less than 10 miles: google maps link


boozing… gambling… womanizing

11 03 2008

 this is not only the mantra of sexy criminals worldwide but also of the thrower of the ceremonial first pitch at saturday’s phillies game.

 the return of john kruk

now if you had to guess which phillies player is most likely to be good friends with john daly who would it be???

“Daly is good friends with Phillies leftfielder Pat Burrell, so he came over to watch batting practice, sign baseballs along with the Phillies players, throw out the first pitch and then watch Howard crush his second spring home run.”

not exactly surprising is it…



6 03 2008

Cole Hamels needs to stop being such a whiny little bitch.  I understood the whole chiropractor thing….I got it…I totally got it…If I don’t get a hand job (mostly my own) every morning I get a little cranky too… but this whole contract thing is ridiculous.  We all know this and every Phillies blog in the world has dropped their 2 cents on it.  That is just how baseball works.  You get what you get when you are new and you cash in once you have established yourself a little bit.  We all know that the only reason that Santana’s change-up is better than Coles’ is because Johan has been around longer and we all know that when Cole has his stuff not even our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ can get a hit off of him… but really, to be honest the only one who actually knows (read: thinks) Hamels is as good as he says he is is Cole himself.  I love the man… I tried to blow the hell out of him, but sir? SIR? relax a little bit…. 500 gr is a pretty nice payday…. I’m pretty sure Heidi didn’t win survivor so you still have a pretty good shot at being the first to 1 million in your family…

 If he really wants to complain about something….. I propose this;

I can no longer access the sexycrimes from my work PC… the watchdog for the Canadian Federal Government has decided that our site contains “questionable content”… Really?  REALLY? (I blame permans pic of LiLo’s boobs on my new restriction….but I digress)…. How about this Cole… since I no longer get to blog at work (read: get paid to write nonsense on the internet) why don’t you trade me your 2008 salary and your life of hanging out at the ballpark, brownbagging with the boys and getting your back cracked for free for my 8am-4pm (well, I actually show up at 9am) job, sitting in a weird office that smells like bananas, has terrible overhead lighting and is slowly eating away at my will to live…Since my blogging time is no longer pensionable, I suggest we trade places for one day and then have a meeting in my stupid “breakout” room and compare notes…. don’t worry, we can teleconference your agent in for the chat because one of my jobs tomorrow is installing a new fucking telephone line in that very room…can’t wait

I hate you Cole…

I don’t usually get this mad… I might erase this post tomorrow… sorry sexyfans.