24 04 2008

nerds are so lame...

inspiration can come in many forms and can be very elusive at times (see howard, ryan) but for one phillies slugger i think we all pretty much know where his inspiration comes from.  Hence, this quip from todays philly inquirer is not all that surprising:

The Phillies encountered an unusual sight Tuesday night at Coors Field: a woman running across the field in only jeans and a bra.  (maybe not for this reporter, but obviously this is a daily occurrence for alpha males like burrell and sexy criminals worldwide)

Players typically back away from such shenanigans, but Burrell took a step for a closer look as she ran into the arms of security personnel a few feet away. In center, Werthbarely budged, covering his face with his glove to hide his laughter, as she took the walk of shame past him. (werth has obviously learned from past experiences that the repercussions of daring to make a move towards one of the bats potential conquests are akin to trying to take food away from grizzly bear)

“It’s one of the more unexpected things I’ve seen,” Werth said. “Unusual. Funny. Definitely funny. I think she had a little too much to drink. The babbling as she walked by gave it away.” (a little (or a lot) too much to drink, babbling… add throwing up and/or passing out to the mix and you pretty much have the mating call for the bat and sexy criminals alike)

i think we pretty much know how this story ends

so lets break this time line down again:

bottom of the 7th- girl streaks field, piques burrells interest

top of the 9th- burrell hits a bases loaded 3-run double, demands to be pinch ran for, and bolts immediately for the showers with a bottle of patron and said streaker

text message from prystline last night:

“do you think that there is a correlation between with the bat being married and his numbers.  First season not playing every game hungover”

i am going to assume since he was at softball last night and this message came in at around 11:30 that he was pretty deerfaced when he sent it,  so i gave him the benefit of the doubt.  my response was:

“do you really think that the bat would let something arbitrary like marriage get in the way of his first true love of drinking patron and having showers with models (and select canadian bloggers) until his genitals hurt?”



hilarity ensues

22 04 2008

the sexy criminals do not condone the use of the drugs, but this comment on the beerleaguer board last night is just downright funny…

“I was witness to some obviously drunk & high teenagers who made a little 3 year old mets fan cry when they stole his David Wright baseball card and ripped it up out near Tony Lukes last night”


Phils vs Mets…a sexualive blog

18 04 2008

Pline here for the first time in a little while….watching the game at permans……and there goes the shutout! That didn’t take long

Perih -sans pants

Prystline – Sans pants

Carpenter – sans pants

Colin – still (inexplicably) wearing pants

Hot 6-4 dp to abort a big inning…..

Cole Looks great with his new hair cut by the way.

Bottom of 1..we pvr’d this by the way so we are about a half hour behind…. like that really matters.

 get your arm up Johan you punk bitch…..

 Red Hot Pat Burrell looks great tonight…. He is also on a hitting tear…. I can’t wait to try and sleep with him when I get to philly… 1 for 1…

What’s going on with Santana’s mardi gras necklace… Has D-wright turned him gay already?  that didn’t take long.  I suppose he does need a new receiver ever since Lo Duca left town… but seriously?  Does he really need to celebrate it like that though?

By the way…it is not lost on me that I just talked about how I want humpdance pat burrell in one sentence then made fun of Santana and Wright for being homosexuals in the next… there’s a difference folks…. there is…. I’m at least sort of joking about wanting to get it on with the bat….and if we did we would totally get hookers to watch so that we could wink and tell people we had a hot 4-way.

Did I mention that we aren’t wearing pants?  That’s not gay either.  That’s just being respectful.

YESSSSSSSSSS…..Reyes is hurt!!!! We are so happy that Reyes is hurt right now.  It’s like a new years celebration…  How does Utley’s knee taste beeyotch?….

Jose Reyes is officially crying….

Carpenter ” there is no crying in baseball”

Perih: “There is also no oral sex in the showers…but wright breaks that rule all the time”….gold

They are letting Reyes stay in the game?  Are you serious?….That looked to me like a Mexican doctor…. the last time I saw a Mexican doctor he was busy mis-diagnosing my friend with some sort of tropical disease that turned out to be jock itch from the dirty water he was scrubbing himself with…. Ruined his whole trip.  Never listen to Mexican doctors…

On a lighter note… I had a great time.

I wish the Mets announcers would stop blowing the hell out of Reyes right now…. he gets enough of that from Wright and (apparently) Santana.  Seriously…. give the man a breather… his willy can only take so much.

 We need to meet that Phat Phils Phan on our trip…seriously.. fat, bald, goatee…you were on TV when they were talking about the crab fries…. we want to be friends with you….but only for one day…. you are too big of a skid for a long-term friendship…. seriously…what are you? 5 foot 3.

Over under on Buckets of Crab fries eaten by Carpenter in 2 games…. 5.  We are taking bets from now until May 14th…. I’m going over.  I’m just kidding… just snack-talkin’a little bit.

Does anyone else fucking hate Ron Darling’s voice?

E-Delgado… the guy is officially useless….

Wright is raking…. We’ll give him that… unfortunately I was forced to take him in my fantasy pool so it’s not all bad… but it’s still pretty bad

By the way..Perih just said that we have to drop the (e) in Bruntlett(e) for the rest of that game because of that backhanded play to nail wright at second… I second the motion

OH NO Delgado is up?  Just kidding… we’re pretty confident he won’t do anything… 

Whatever that ball was foul…everyone gets lucky once in a while… he is done as a player….and maybe even as a contributing member of society.

 A HIGH FLY BALL TO UTLEY…Great Power Carlos…

 Angel Pagan…obviously his god-fearing mother and devil-worshipping father each got to pick a name….wait a minute… That doesn’t make sense? You don’t get to pick your last name… Fuck it.  I think it’s a funny joke and I am posting it anyway.

We already know Utley goes Ya….Because Carpenter checked the score online…basically he ruined our day and we might kick him off the trip….. we still acted excited anyway….we are almost caught up to real time now

This game got pretty un-sexy in a hurry…. We can’t even fast forward anymore…super lame.

There is a base open..please please PLEASE put it in Santana’s ear…. Please?

Bruntlett (sans e) almost just took care of my request… not that I wanted to see Johan’s life ended, but you  know…. anything to win a ballgame.  B-lett is pimping this game out…okay that’s a lie, but baby steps right?…at least he hasn’t single-handedly ruined it yet.

okay…..this good…. as perman says…the Phillies hit Jewish mets like…. well, we’ll let the sexyfans fill in the blanks.


(Everyone know we are just joking around right? because we are.)

But anyway…Dobbs is a massive pimp…MASSIVE….

It’s game time bros.

And PLINE is getting krunked up….

Nice try Heilman (Carpenter, Colin, Perman, Prystline clapping sarcastically)

Howard is making 10 million dollars.  he should probably consider fielding a groundball cleanly.  Are you fucking kidding me….this is my first phillies viewing this year and I have already seen enough misplayed balls to last a season… this sucker better start hitting.  Seriously… thats his run.  And now I want to fight him…

 Howard Sucks

The Bat is not getting cheated vs Wagner… And wagner is pissed that he got cheated on…by his wife…with the bat…in front of his kids….no matter what happens… the bat wins

Okay so maybe wagner wins that one….long season.

I’m going to sign off while Feliz is batting….because he isn’t very good at hitting baseballs…

I’m pretty sure this is the least funny post I have ever written, but I am rusty… i’ll work on it..



erection cove… population = me

17 04 2008

absolutely crushed

i have been catching a lot (read one person) of flack as to why we have yet to post about pat the bat’s incredible start to the season considering he is the star of our blog.  I can’t speak for prystline, but for me the reasons pretty much boil down to:

a) it is pretty much what i expect from the bat

b) he is on my fantasy team and i don’t want to jinx him

c) every time i start thinking about the stats he is throwing up i end with a one way ticket to erection cove like don geiss just called me jackie boy and it makes it hard to type.jack donaghy is the alpha male to end all alpha males

it was nice to see our boy jason bourne play well the other night for houston.  i still like that trade for the phils, but bourne is a sweet player and i love watching him play.  wonder if he gave his girl jade maccarthy a call while he was in town???

dave wright looks like he is missing his post game showers with paul lo duca

how to make jose reyes mad

love this comment from the 700 level:

This was found in Wright’s Flickr album with the comment “Paul + Dave = BF4EVR!”

fireball is on the menu

what: sexy crimes sans pants party- version 2.0 

where: casa del perman

when: 3:45 pm

who: anyone

dress code: pants neither required or expected

oh ya… one more little thing.   IT IS EXACTLY  ONE MONTH UNTIL WE GET TO PHILLY FOR THE BLUE JAYS SERIES.  you might say that we are a little bit excited for the trip.


reason #1024

16 04 2008

he will pay for this indiscretion

the bruntlett(e) obviously missed the memo stating that pat the bat has to the first player out to congratulate his teammates after a game winning run.  another mistake like this could cost him his anal virginity… (*update- already lost at stanford)


the real reason the phillies lost yesterday

14 04 2008

there are plenty of reasons that the phillies couldn’t pull off a win yesterday for a series sweep of the cubbies:

– the jenkins experiment

– the mark derosa jedi mind trick homerun

– 2 for 11 with runners in scoring position

– leaving 15 runners on base

– the errors…again.  and even more bad defensive plays that were not called errors

– the bullpen blowing a lead in the 8th inning

but this morning while going through the articles about the game i cam across this photo.

don\'t try this in september

if this single dad had any jam he would have sacrificed the kid in order to possibly (the umps owed us a call) get chase this home run in the bottom of the 10th.  i am just kidding of course, but seriously at what point in the season does that become a legitimate concern?  i would say late august.


ps.  you owe me 3.5 fantasy points green hat

why i hate the bruntlett(e)

11 04 2008

bruntlett(e) = e

we at the sexy criminals came to the conclusion that we were in need of a player on the phillies that we could hate… the we should be gm’s guys have/had no-hit nunez and last year we had bajaras, but we needed someone new.  enter eric bruntlett or as i will only refer to him from now on “the bruntlett(e)”.  he made it pretty easy for us, and i am sure that a lot of blogs are going to be hating on him after his shameful performance in the last two games.   but on top of only hating only for his putrid performances in the field and at the plate, we are also going to make things a lot more personal…. cause that’s just how we roll

i have decided that the bruntlett(e) reminds me a lot of another eric that i absolutely despise, e from entourage.  i will go into their similarities in a bit, but for now lets continue down this entourage path and see which characters the rest of the phillies would be.

can\'t go wrong with a white blazer

Vinnie Chase = Chase Utley: good looks, make a tonne of cake, nail lots of broads, unofficially the king pin group.  it was close between chase and cole for this one, but since vinny is super laid back and never complained about chiropractors or not getting enough money early in his career i had to give the nod to le garcon chase (also since they share a name it ended up being a no brainer).  also, strangely enough, chase’s work in the espn fantasy promos was actually better than adrian grenier’s acting performances on a week to week basis.

calf implants are the new boobjobs

Johnny Drama = Adam Eaton: already gone over this one before…

1) they are doppelgangers for one another

2) they are making a living off their past fame (melrose residuals & viking quest convention/former first round pick)

3) a possible resurgence in both of their carreers (five towns/ 2 quality starts to begin season)

4) they both want/need calf implants

things would get awesome pretty fast on a night out with these two

Ari Gold = Pat Burrell: the only 2 things these guys have in common that i can think of is that they  both love cheating on their wives, and they both are total assholes… which of course means they are both my favorites. 

both make me physically ill

now onto the main event, Eric Murphy = The Bruntlett(e): the similarities are seemingly endless…

1) both named eric

2) both have an emotional attachment to the letter “E” (nickname/ committing several per game)

3) i could see the bruntlett(e) being one of those super faggy boyfriend types like e is.  probably doesn’t even cheat on his wife on the road which is inexcusable in my books for a pro baseball player.

4) both are huge nerds (the bruntlett(e) majored in economics at stanford…oooh we are sooo impressed)

5) both think they are capable of handling jobs that are way over their head with disastrous results for all those involved (producing medelin/ playing ss for the phils)

6) small genitalia…fact

7) neither can perform simple tasks assigned to them (not screwing up best friends career/ being able to put a bunt down in play to advance runner to 2nd and 3rd with no one out and chase utley hitting behind you)

anyways, bruntlett(e) we are going to ride you like a 2 dollar whore until you pack your bags and leave town… for your benefit you should hope that is prior to may 17.