patron showers and pinch hit bombs… thats what eureka springs does

23 05 2008

the bat goes deep in houston... and then he hit a homerun

the bat went deep in houston last night… and he also hit a pinch run homer to lead the phils to victory (some other dude went 3-5 with some rbis and stuff too)

so, we haven’t posted about our trip yet because:

a) it takes me at least 5 days to rejoin civilization after i go on benders like that

b) clare hasn’t posted her pictures on flickr yet

c) i am currently awaiting trial for unnamed crime that i was wrongfully accused of (fuck you mensah) in vegas… 

anyways, hopefully should have something up this weekend

also, in relation to my name, i would just like to say how much i love trapster and sack from wedding crashers.  i know they are the “bad guys” in the movie, but i seriously liked the way they(and tony guffano the wop genius) got down.  i may have to do an entire post on this in the a dear and get me a 7up


*update* the guy who plays zack lodge is actually a philly native… probably a sexy crimes reader


I Called the Bat today….Here is what transpired…

9 05 2008

P-Line: Yo Pat! It’s Prystline..Perman is here too.  What’s going on?

The Bat: Awwww just doin’ some curls and stuff… shaved my chest a little bit too.  What’s the Perman up to?”

P-Line: “Making stupid faces and doing the telephone gesture…I think he wants to talk”

Perman: “Yo Pat…You’re my boy”

P-Line: “What are you doing working your arms anyway?  I thought you only did ass exercises?”

The Bat: “Pffft….my ass is tight….have you even seen it lately?”

P-Line and Perman (in unison): “Ummmm Noooooo…” (winking at each other)

* Massive Lie…we totally have.

Prystline: So anyway Pat, what are you up to next weekend?”

The Bat: “I’m going to Cabo”

Prystline: “Ummm? don’t you have to play some ballgames?”

The Bat: Yah, but I’m going to fake an injury and head down to Cabo….haven’t been there in a few months… I’m gonna meet up with Anna Benson. Why do you ask?”

Prystline: Well me and the Perman and some of our sexy accomplices are coming to Philly to watch some ball games and….”

The Bat: “Wait a minute! Why didn’t you say so… What time do you get in?”

Prystline: “Saturday about 11am…we’ll be sitting in section 143 right behind you for the game.


The Bat: “Fucking A Rights… I’ll pick you guys up at the airport in my Pink Car… And you can check out how tight my ass is during the game”

P-Line: “Pat we’re not really into that” (we totally are)…. What about your pre-game? Don’t you have to warm up?

The Bat: “Um I’m pretty sure I can do shots of Patron while i’m driving.”

P-line: “BP?”

The Bat: “B-What?” What the hell are you talking about?  So I’ll see you guys at the airport at 11am?

Prystline: “You fucking know it Bat….I’m jacked right up!”

The Bat: “1001….1002, so what are we going to get up to anyway? How do the sexy criminals get down?

Prystline: “Well Pat, we’re not that different from you…”

The Bat: So you guys want to get wasted and call the girls that won’t sleep with you fat and pee on the girls that are dumb enough to take you home?”

Prystline: “Not exactly Pat…I mean we like to get wasted, but… You know what…let me break it down for you right quick.”

Here is what we will be doing during our torrid two night stay in the city of Brotherly Love… 

We are going to:

Push Little kids out of the way so we can take creepy close up pics of our favorite Phils from field level. (and then say inappropriate things to their attractive mothers).

We are going to buy a blender and make Mesh Hats and drink them out of novelty cups (Buckets, Boots, Helmets, Fish Bowls…. Chase Utley’s Jock etc.)

*That’s Remington Steele in the pic by the way…he will be on the trip.  He’s a Padres fan, but we don’t hold it against him because he is a sublime dancer and cheers for the phils when the Pads aren’t involved.

We are going to make friends with a ton of Philbags phans who will wish they never actually met us.

Banks is going to tell anyone who will listen that Dumbeldore is the greatest wizard that ever lived….

(We get the joke)

We are going to make weird signs…. and try to be shirtless as much as possible.


We are going to pullover for food and gas in an inner city town where white people are frowned upon…and then we are going to pose like homosexuals whilst the townsfolk bark at us.  We will also smile that entire time, never really knowing how close to being shot in the face we are.

We are going to find a bar where the senile bartender forgets to charge for hundreds of dollars worth of drinks…..and we are NOT going to feel bad about it!

We (and by “we” I mean Carpenter) are going to flex our triceps while we (and by “we” I mean me) are wearing interesting denim cut-off shirts and sexy bandeezys.

How does this sound to you Pat?…Does this sound like something you might be interested in?

The Bat: “It sounds amazing Prystline… But aren’t you forgettin something? Something very important…

Prystline: “Pat, I’m just saving the best for last…of course we will be doing a ton of…..


The Bat: “Good because I have been working on that Dance that Perman taught me…what’s it called again?”

Prystline: “Oh that one….Perih what do you call that dance again?”

Perman: “THAT’S THE ‘YOU CANNOT STOP IT’ DANCE….That’s my shit!”

The Bat: Yah That’s the one…I’m gonna pull one of these…….

“and get pulled from the game in the 6th….drink a few mojitos…take a shower…”

P-line: “…with some models?”

The Bat: “Obviously….don’t be stupid Steve (He only calls me Steve when he is mad)…and then we are going to hit the town and get drunk….and do you want to know why Philadelphia?….”

Philadelphia: “Why?”

The Bat: “Because you CANNOT STOP IT”




Don’t even try….

We’ll see you on Saturday….









phillies drinking game

9 05 2008

you think it is a coincidence it is called pat-ron

here’s a game everyone (except us because we hardly ever get phillies games on tv) can play at home while watching the phils play. 

1. pat burrell attempts to slide (in the field or on the bases): 1 drink once you have managed to stop laughing

2. senor out hits into a double play: 2 drinks, 3 if he manages to outdo himself and hit into a triple play

3. victorino ices a base-runner with his arm: 1 drink

4. utley gets hit by a pitch: 1 drink…consume whole bottle if he breaks his hand again

5. j-rol du-rag siting: 1 drink (preferably of malt liquor or hennesey)

6. someone mentions the fact that chris coste wrote a book: 1 drink

7. burrell sticks his ass way out on a slightly inside pitch: 2 drinks

8. durbin, romero, gordon or lidge give up an earned run: 1 drink

9. ry-how makes an error or k’s: 2 drinks

10. brett myers hits 90mph on the radar: 1 drink

11. jamie moyer hits 80mph on the radar: 2 drinks

12. kyle kendrick manages to strike someone out: 3 drinks

13. adam eaton makes it to the seventh inning: 3 drinks

14. cole hamels attempts to burn a hole through the umpire with his eyes for daring not to call one of his pitches a strike: 2 drinks

15. victorino makes a defensive play in CF look easy that rowand would have had to dive for: 2 drinks

16. burrell watches victorino make said play without any attempt to make a move for it whatsoever: 2 more drinks

17. if at any point in the game you think geoff jenkins was worth 6.5 million dollars this season drink the whole bottle

18. any shot of stone cold werths mom in the stands: 1 drink and a trip to erection cove

19. utley makes a dive on a play solely to get his jersey dirty: 1 drink

20. pete happy actually draws a walk: 4 drinks

21. you think victorino’s helmet looks cool: you are 12 years old and should not be reading this site

22. burrell gets pulled from the game for a defensive replacement/pinch runner: 1 shot of patron for every half inning that passes (also if you have any models available you should probably do your shots in the shower with them for good measure)

in actuality a shot of any tequila or hard liquor makes me throw up on contact

23. one of burrell’s replacements makes a error and/or base running mistake: shot of sake

24. cole hamels is able to make it past the eighth inning: 2 drinks

25. jc romero is pulled by charlie manuel too soon because a right handed hitter is coming up: 1 drink

26. brad lidge has to face albert pujols: finish bottle and hope you pass out before it gets ugly

27. someone actually beats burrell out of the dugout to celebrate a victory: finish bottle


t-minus one week and one day until philly

pat burrell hates the beach boys…

3 05 2008

all brian wilson can see

lame… i had just finished a post about the pat the bat’s walkoff heroics last night and wordpress decided to delete it.

bottom line, burrell took singer/songwriter/drug addict brian wilson deep in the bottom of the 10th to ruin aaron “baconpants” rowands attempted storybook return to CBP.

the bat had the following to say about the walk-off:

“It’s been a while, yeah — I’m usually not in the game in the end,” Burrell said, referring to being replaced for defense late in games.



ps.  i bet pat is actually a huge fan of the beach boys.. just seems like that kind of a guy

pps.  i am jacked up to watch king cole hamels vs. tim “franchise” lincecum on sunday afternoon