I Called the Bat today….Here is what transpired…

9 05 2008

P-Line: Yo Pat! It’s Prystline..Perman is here too.  What’s going on?

The Bat: Awwww just doin’ some curls and stuff… shaved my chest a little bit too.  What’s the Perman up to?”

P-Line: “Making stupid faces and doing the telephone gesture…I think he wants to talk”

Perman: “Yo Pat…You’re my boy”

P-Line: “What are you doing working your arms anyway?  I thought you only did ass exercises?”

The Bat: “Pffft….my ass is tight….have you even seen it lately?”

P-Line and Perman (in unison): “Ummmm Noooooo…” (winking at each other)

* Massive Lie…we totally have.

Prystline: So anyway Pat, what are you up to next weekend?”

The Bat: “I’m going to Cabo”

Prystline: “Ummm? don’t you have to play some ballgames?”

The Bat: Yah, but I’m going to fake an injury and head down to Cabo….haven’t been there in a few months… I’m gonna meet up with Anna Benson. Why do you ask?”

Prystline: Well me and the Perman and some of our sexy accomplices are coming to Philly to watch some ball games and….”

The Bat: “Wait a minute! Why didn’t you say so… What time do you get in?”

Prystline: “Saturday about 11am…we’ll be sitting in section 143 right behind you for the game.


The Bat: “Fucking A Rights… I’ll pick you guys up at the airport in my Pink Car… And you can check out how tight my ass is during the game”

P-Line: “Pat we’re not really into that” (we totally are)…. What about your pre-game? Don’t you have to warm up?

The Bat: “Um I’m pretty sure I can do shots of Patron while i’m driving.”

P-line: “BP?”

The Bat: “B-What?” What the hell are you talking about?  So I’ll see you guys at the airport at 11am?

Prystline: “You fucking know it Bat….I’m jacked right up!”

The Bat: “1001….1002, so what are we going to get up to anyway? How do the sexy criminals get down?

Prystline: “Well Pat, we’re not that different from you…”

The Bat: So you guys want to get wasted and call the girls that won’t sleep with you fat and pee on the girls that are dumb enough to take you home?”

Prystline: “Not exactly Pat…I mean we like to get wasted, but… You know what…let me break it down for you right quick.”

Here is what we will be doing during our torrid two night stay in the city of Brotherly Love… 

We are going to:

Push Little kids out of the way so we can take creepy close up pics of our favorite Phils from field level. (and then say inappropriate things to their attractive mothers).

We are going to buy a blender and make Mesh Hats and drink them out of novelty cups (Buckets, Boots, Helmets, Fish Bowls…. Chase Utley’s Jock etc.)

*That’s Remington Steele in the pic by the way…he will be on the trip.  He’s a Padres fan, but we don’t hold it against him because he is a sublime dancer and cheers for the phils when the Pads aren’t involved.

We are going to make friends with a ton of Philbags phans who will wish they never actually met us.

Banks is going to tell anyone who will listen that Dumbeldore is the greatest wizard that ever lived….

(We get the joke)

We are going to make weird signs…. and try to be shirtless as much as possible.


We are going to pullover for food and gas in an inner city town where white people are frowned upon…and then we are going to pose like homosexuals whilst the townsfolk bark at us.  We will also smile that entire time, never really knowing how close to being shot in the face we are.

We are going to find a bar where the senile bartender forgets to charge for hundreds of dollars worth of drinks…..and we are NOT going to feel bad about it!

We (and by “we” I mean Carpenter) are going to flex our triceps while we (and by “we” I mean me) are wearing interesting denim cut-off shirts and sexy bandeezys.

How does this sound to you Pat?…Does this sound like something you might be interested in?

The Bat: “It sounds amazing Prystline… But aren’t you forgettin something? Something very important…

Prystline: “Pat, I’m just saving the best for last…of course we will be doing a ton of…..


The Bat: “Good because I have been working on that Dance that Perman taught me…what’s it called again?”

Prystline: “Oh that one….Perih what do you call that dance again?”

Perman: “THAT’S THE ‘YOU CANNOT STOP IT’ DANCE….That’s my shit!”

The Bat: Yah That’s the one…I’m gonna pull one of these…….

“and get pulled from the game in the 6th….drink a few mojitos…take a shower…”

P-line: “…with some models?”

The Bat: “Obviously….don’t be stupid Steve (He only calls me Steve when he is mad)…and then we are going to hit the town and get drunk….and do you want to know why Philadelphia?….”

Philadelphia: “Why?”

The Bat: “Because you CANNOT STOP IT”




Don’t even try….

We’ll see you on Saturday….












9 responses

17 05 2008

Looks like barajas read your interview with the bat a little ways back….. 2 hr and 5 rbis?? Funniest guy in the clubhouse indeed.

20 05 2008

I know what was that all about? We were there for that game…. we couldn’t believe it.

20 05 2008

marriage material babe

20 05 2008

p.s sweet job by howard tonight…. solid 0-3 with 3K’s… at least I heard the Phillies faithful deservedly giving him the gears after his sweet 9th inning error vs. the Jays. Ryan Howard has mistakenly chosen a Richie Sexson jersey as his good luck charm this year. Time to pray to Jobu!

20 05 2008

Yo, I don’t even like baseball. But yer blog is plenty o’ funny. The stuff between the senile bartender and Carp’s triceps was S-T-R-O-N-G.

21 05 2008

barajas why don’t you beat it pal. I’m not even sure what you are talking about.

Jams… you pick the date I’ll pick the band.

22 05 2008

No one tells Barajas to beat it… except for maybe the Phillies, resulting in my return to the city of no love and turning in mvp performances ensuring my team takes 2 of 3. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

22 05 2008
Stephen Schneider

So how was Philly? I have been checking daily for a new post, c’mon guys!!!

23 05 2008

philly was awesome.. i still haven’t been able to detox and clarify my thoughts yet though. hopefully this weekend

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