runners stranded = 18 = illegitimate children stranded

27 08 2008

first of all that game last night was unbelievable and was basically the best game i have seen since stone cold werth took those two bases off wagner around this same time last year.  but that story has been beaten to death, what i really want to talk about is pat the bat leaving 18 runners on base over the past two games.  some may say this is just pat having a couple of (really) bad games, or as an representation of his 18 inches of justice (biceps), but i prefer to think of an homage to the 18 children that he fathered around north america.  take a look at this map to see where pat has spread his seed over the past 27 years or so.

the bat prefers to spread his seed in the south so his kids can have nice tans all year

the bat prefers to spread his seed in the south so his kids can have nice tans all year

1. calgary, alberta, canada (1981): perman, pat was only 5 or 6 at the time but he was already getting his rape on

2. vancouver, BC, canada (1981): prystline, even at only 5 years old pat had the virility of most 25 year olds

3. san jose, california (1992): the bat knocks up his grade 10 history teacher at bellermine prep.

4. newport beach, california (2004): takes some photos for an aspring model/reality actress, bangs her in her parents pool.

5. tijuana, mexico (2005): impregnates a hooker after a series sweep in san diego.  in 2007 goes back to TJ with the sexy criminals and roughs up the hooker for trying to “shake him down”

6. maui, hawaii (2007): plants his seed in one of the maids during his honeymoon… shane victorino videotapes it

7. tuscon, arizona (2007): has sex with a george bush loving UoA co-ed after doing fake tequila shots with his cousins to get her drunk. 

8. scottsdale, arizona (2006): runs train on a girl with pat perez and matt leinart.  actual father of the child is unknown except everyone knows its a 2 horse race… sorry perez, no way your boys could keep up with these alpha males

9. vegas, nevada (2001): gamed a hooker into having sex with him for free… stole 100$ from her purse after

10. reno, neveda (2001): same trip, got confused and thought reno was the fun place, and vegas was for old people.  stayed a night and got busy with a pensioner that he knew from his days at his condo in clearwater.

11. boulder, colorado (2004): the streaker from this years game at coors field.  went back to visit her over the all star break, told his wife he was going to chicago.  didn’t have sex with her, just went down on her… still managed to get her pregnant… that’s alpha

12. austin, texas (2005): things get wild with mccoughanhey at a shirts off  UT tailgate party.  will arnett rolls in later with a sex machine avec romantic fist attachement.

13. eureka springs, arkansas (1988): gets his babysitter to tuck him into bed, tricks her into oral sex.

14. new orleans, lousiana (2005): superdome… too soon???

15. miami, florida (2002): comes back to the U for a alumni event during spriong training.  sleeps with the dean of the school.  kellen winslow watches on and calls pat a soldier

16. clearwater, florida (2002): leslie guidel after his cribs episode obvi.

17. virginia beach, virginia (2006):  visits michael vick to trade notes on dog care… angered to find out that there are almost no virgins in virginia (thanks to marcus vick and ron mexico himself).  uses some of michael’s toys to have sex with the first girl he could find.

18. queens, new york (2006): wagners wife.

the end.


ps. going to oasis tonight with prystline and el gaze negro… super jacked!!


an ode to pat the bats sweater

19 08 2008

bulky russell sweatshirts under your uniform are this years mesh hat

bulky russell sweatshirts under your uniform are this years mesh hat

If you want to destroy my sweater
Pull this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel i’ll soon be naked
Lying on the floor, lying on the floor
Ive come undone


does it even look cold at this game?

does it even look cold at this game??? the ball girl down the line seems to be ok without sleeves

we have come to notice over the past couple of years the sweatshirt that pat the bat has become accustomed to wearing during cold weather games.  we understand the need to keep warm during games and are sympathetic with the fact that a short sleeved baseball jersey may not be the best outfit during the cold weather, but we don’t quite get why pat feels the need to wear such a loose fitting, bulky sweatshirt under his jersey.  i’ve broken it down to 3 possibilities:

1. he wants to look more jacked up

2. he stole it from some girl he slept with and considers it good luck (like the lucky 20 he also stole from her purse)

3. tight fitting undershirts itch his chest hair

he's obviously passed on his secret to hollywood hamels who is sporting a fairly loose fitting mock neck here

words of wisdom... notice hamels sporting a loose fitting mock neck here

this loose fitting garment makes pat the bat's strut look even more casual

this loose fitting garment makes pat the bat's strut look even more laid back than usual


It’s been a little while hasn’t it?

12 08 2008

I don’t really have a ton to say right now except that I’m sorry.  I should say, we’re sorry.  We have been neglecting the blog and there is no excuse for that.  I got to watch a game with the Perman on Sunday morning and it was nice.  It’s the same old story… I was so jacked about the philly trip that I couldn’t put it into words…and I still can’t (That might be because I don’t remember half of it…as per Perman’s point in his previous post…that was no joke)

-Point form…thoughts

1.  I still have the scars on my forehead and nose from passing out while standing up in a philly hotel room.  That hurt… I don’t really remember the next day.  All I know is that the only souvenir that I came home with from CBP was a green bat (what the fuck?) and some wine glasses (I don’t call me “Red Wine Prystline” for nothing)

2. Fortunately I wasn’t the only tenant to bleed that night.  A nice old white man was getting made fun of by 3 black cops for getting bottled by a hooker he didn’t pay….  a) I thought that was our trick b) we stay in classy spots.

3. Crab Fries are not made out of Crab…. Fucking Bullshit.

4. Cutter and Clare are Cats.

5. Why there isn’t a massive sign in South Philly that says “Atlantic City is Closer than you think…Remember to reserve the limo before 2am on the morning you are leaving” is beyond me….

6. I fully take back making fun of Chad Durbin before the season started, I still don’t trust Madsen.

7.  When Lidge got Pujols out recently I almost cried because I was so happy for him.  I think I said something stupid quietly to myself while nodding my head…something like “The monkey is gone man, the monkey is gone”….so gay…

8.  Today when Perih texted me while at work and said “Yeah Heilman” I knew.  The Mets pen blew another one.  I guess you could ask the question does their bullpen blow games more often than Reyes blows Wright.  HA!!! I think we know the answer to that one!!!

The pen would have to blow 162 games a year for that to even be close…. Blow job jokes never get old for me!!!! good fun.

9.  Making Pat Burrell Heads for our phillies games was Perih’s best idea ever…sometimes I put it on my pillow when I go to sleep..he makes me feel safe….or that I’m about to get date raped….either way, I sleep well

10.  Perih’s second best idea ever was buying a bunch of red shirts and getting iron-on patches made with the man or machine picture on them and thesexycrimes address on them

11.  Perih’s worst idea ever was leaving those patches in our vegas hotel room.

12.  Perih’s other best idea ever (i’ve lost count) was renting a limo to pick us up from the airport in Chicago that was full of beers so everyone could get wasted on the way to Wrigley while I quietly wondered where all the big Vegas hotels went (I go after it every second day…what can I say)

13.  Contrary to what the first Cab Driver said…there is more than one Hilton in Chicago.  Kilburn and I visited all of them before finally finding ours… good trip.  Brazilian cab drivers that love old school rap and claim to “fuck chicks in my cab everynight” are pretty great though.

14.  i’m pretty mad at most of the Phillies right now.  I kind of figured they would be on a 20 or 30 game win streak by now.  I’m not mad at Pat because he is Pat.  I’m not mad at Victorino because he seems to be playing pretty well right now.  I’m not mad at Moyer because that would be like being mad at your grandfather… you just can’t do it… you just don’t know how much time you have left with him.  I’m not mad at Dobbs either… I’m mad at his sideburns though.

Everyone just got smarter for having read the last 14 points.

Canada has 0 medals at the Olympics… that’s awesome.  Azerbaijan has one, a gold…..WHERE THE FUCK IS AZERBAIJAN?!?!?!?!



going back to cali

11 08 2008

this time last year prystline and i were sitting poolside at the mirage, with our new friend (and former conquest of the bat) from phildelphia, and were about to embark on a legendary journey through los angeles and san diego to watch the phillies west coast swing.  looking back on things, it was basically the best trip of my life and i really wish i were doing that again this week instead of having to sit in my office in vancouver (where apparently it is supposed to rain again tomorrow…awesome).

here’s a few quick notes:

1. i hope we decide to play well against the dodgers considering that 8 of our next 14 games are against them (ps. great scheduling to get them post-manny).  our other 6 games are against the listless padres and nationals, so a good showing against the boys who bleed blue and we could come out of this in pretty good shape.

welcome to the friendly confines of the top deck of dodger stadium...lowest psi in the mlb

welcome to the friendly confines of the top deck of dodger stadium...lowest psi in the mlb

2. luckily for jake peavy we are not facing him in sd.  that may seem backwards, but i have access to his cell phone number and was going to blow him up with some pretty interesting texts and late night phone calls if he were pitching.

3. dicks bar and grill: best place in san diego to accost your favorite phillies pitcher and offer sexual favours to him

4. i have a 20$ per game bet per game with my dodgers friend for the next 8 games.  flights from seattle are 89$ each way to philly in sept.  phillies sweep or even go 7-1 and i am coming out for the stretch run.

(bumming for sponsors images)

(bumming for sponsorship images)


ps.  going to do a photo essay/trip down memory lane of our cali trip this week sometime

step 1: go on survivor, step 2: bang a phillie

8 08 2008

this story has already been written about by the fightins, but there is a little something more to this story than was first reported that i would like to point out.

every knows about colbel:

see this watch... this is how much the lord loves you

see this watch... this is how much the lord loves you

and about kendrossa:

go mt vernon high!

but the story that no one knows about that you read here first is:

the bruntlatch.... real talk!

that’s right… the bruntlatch!! our favorite backup infielder and inaugural survivor winner and famous nudist/homosexual richard hatch.


we are alive….

8 08 2008

so, it has been roughly 2 and half months since we have posted anything and we would like to provide some explanations for our disappearance:

1. we parked our car in south philly and got double parked for 2 months

2. we were training to qualify for the canadian 2-man luge team in beijing but recently found out it was not a summer olympic sport

i am on the top

3. i was arrested for drugging a girls drink in las vegas

4. prystie knocked himself out on our hotel room in philly and has had a concussion ever since

5. my computer at work got comp-aids and i couldn’t do my work and put posts together at the same time (new computer today)

6. we reached the pinnacle of our phillies existence after visiting cbp and realized it was all downhill from there

please pay no attention to the left of this photo

anyways, i came up with a theory that writing a blog is like going to the gym… once you haven’t gone for awhile it is nearly impossible to go back that first time, but once you have broken that barrier then it becomes much easier to keep going.  so hopefully that is the case, because prystie and i both want to get seriously jacked up (about the phillies and in the gym).  either way we have committed to trying to put up 3-5 articles per week for the rest of the stretch run, so hopefully we can keep it up