runners stranded = 18 = illegitimate children stranded

27 08 2008

first of all that game last night was unbelievable and was basically the best game i have seen since stone cold werth took those two bases off wagner around this same time last year.  but that story has been beaten to death, what i really want to talk about is pat the bat leaving 18 runners on base over the past two games.  some may say this is just pat having a couple of (really) bad games, or as an representation of his 18 inches of justice (biceps), but i prefer to think of an homage to the 18 children that he fathered around north america.  take a look at this map to see where pat has spread his seed over the past 27 years or so.

the bat prefers to spread his seed in the south so his kids can have nice tans all year

the bat prefers to spread his seed in the south so his kids can have nice tans all year

1. calgary, alberta, canada (1981): perman, pat was only 5 or 6 at the time but he was already getting his rape on

2. vancouver, BC, canada (1981): prystline, even at only 5 years old pat had the virility of most 25 year olds

3. san jose, california (1992): the bat knocks up his grade 10 history teacher at bellermine prep.

4. newport beach, california (2004): takes some photos for an aspring model/reality actress, bangs her in her parents pool.

5. tijuana, mexico (2005): impregnates a hooker after a series sweep in san diego.  in 2007 goes back to TJ with the sexy criminals and roughs up the hooker for trying to “shake him down”

6. maui, hawaii (2007): plants his seed in one of the maids during his honeymoon… shane victorino videotapes it

7. tuscon, arizona (2007): has sex with a george bush loving UoA co-ed after doing fake tequila shots with his cousins to get her drunk. 

8. scottsdale, arizona (2006): runs train on a girl with pat perez and matt leinart.  actual father of the child is unknown except everyone knows its a 2 horse race… sorry perez, no way your boys could keep up with these alpha males

9. vegas, nevada (2001): gamed a hooker into having sex with him for free… stole 100$ from her purse after

10. reno, neveda (2001): same trip, got confused and thought reno was the fun place, and vegas was for old people.  stayed a night and got busy with a pensioner that he knew from his days at his condo in clearwater.

11. boulder, colorado (2004): the streaker from this years game at coors field.  went back to visit her over the all star break, told his wife he was going to chicago.  didn’t have sex with her, just went down on her… still managed to get her pregnant… that’s alpha

12. austin, texas (2005): things get wild with mccoughanhey at a shirts off  UT tailgate party.  will arnett rolls in later with a sex machine avec romantic fist attachement.

13. eureka springs, arkansas (1988): gets his babysitter to tuck him into bed, tricks her into oral sex.

14. new orleans, lousiana (2005): superdome… too soon???

15. miami, florida (2002): comes back to the U for a alumni event during spriong training.  sleeps with the dean of the school.  kellen winslow watches on and calls pat a soldier

16. clearwater, florida (2002): leslie guidel after his cribs episode obvi.

17. virginia beach, virginia (2006):  visits michael vick to trade notes on dog care… angered to find out that there are almost no virgins in virginia (thanks to marcus vick and ron mexico himself).  uses some of michael’s toys to have sex with the first girl he could find.

18. queens, new york (2006): wagners wife.

the end.


ps. going to oasis tonight with prystline and el gaze negro… super jacked!!




5 responses

31 08 2008

7. tuscon, arizona (2007): has sex with a george bush loving UoA co-ed after doing fake tequila shots with his cousins to get her drunk.

Sadly, that was right here in Philly. I knew that tequila looked too much like apple juice.

2 09 2008

A bit more mean-spirited than your usual posts…but brilliant just the same.
We’ll buy you a drink at the Tiki Bar in Clearwater in March 09!

4 09 2008

Perman was just grumpy about the fact that he hasn’t had a casual encounter with the bat….yet!

9 09 2008

Fake Joba is a phillies fan…. this must be addressed in an upcoming post.

10 09 2008

How about that triple last night? I thought they were going to have to bring Pat an oxygen tank…or at least a shot of tequila….

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