brownbaggin’ with the bat: world series edition

27 10 2008


jamie moyer pleases phillies fans/women across the globe

26 10 2008
mrs. moyer loves it

mrs. moyer loves it


the little things

24 10 2008
tbs took the "h" from ruiz's nickname and added it to his statline

tbs took the "h" from ruiz's nickname and added it to his statline

all the little things went wrong for the phils in the game last night starting from the very first inning.  werth being unable to cleanly pick up that single cost the phillies one run and maybe two depending on if iwamura would have tried to run on werths arm.  from that point it was a series of soft hits (all singles btw) from tbay, bad situational hitting from the phils, a series of errors, and embarrassing umpiring that ended up with a 4-2 phils loss.  here at the sexy crimes we always try to keep everything in positive town, so we aren’t going to harp on the negatives from the game, but rather celebrate the positives that have come out of the 1-1 series split in tampa. 

1. myers > shields:looking at the stat lines tells a different story, but “big game” james couldn’t even make it through the 6th inning and was hit hard and often thoughout.  he did get himself out of jams several times, but whether that was due to his pitching or the phils lack of situational hitting is left to opinion.  myers on the other hand only had about 2 or 3 hard hit balls off him the whole game, and was hard luck to give up 4 runs.  bottom line, i would take this matchup again.  

2. c”h”ooch: who expected this, 2 for 2 with 2 walks and 2 doubles ripped down the line.  toss a stolen base and another solid performance behind the plate and this was a hell of game for our much maligned catcher.  

3. not completely werth-less: lets face it, last nights game isn’t exactly going to go into kim schofield werth’s dvd collection as one of her sons all time great games, but it wasn’t all that bad.  sure the error in the field and on the basepaths were huge, and the 2 strikeouts didn’t come at the best moments, but he did he have a nice throw to get baldelli at the plate in the 2nd inning and his non-hits in the 1st and 9thinning were both absolutely rocked at longoria, and not even the sure handed 3rd basemen could handle either of them.  look for a big game out of the stone cold pimp back at home.  

4. ry-how found some timing: 2 hits and 2 well hit balls that happened to go into the shift, if he keeps up this up he’s be sure to deposit a ball or two into the cbp stands this weekend.   

5. the bat: he’s still as handsome and hilarious as ever

6. the phenom?: i wasn’t exactly blown away with this guys performance. sure, he got some keys outs, but he looked shaky, threw a lot of balls, and got hit hard several times (including by the brutlette). so let’s just say i am not exactly terrified of seeing old “he of 7 games experience, yet everyone talks about him like he is the second coming of christ” later on in the series

7. bossman junior: first of all, that is the most embarassing nickname in the history of the world. i also really enjoy the fact that his dad isn’t just known as “the bossman”, but actually “the original bossman”. on a baseball note however i enjoyed watching bj hit into another double play and manage to get thrown out by roughly 5 feet (even though he’s super fast) and looking like he plays the game with the general malaise of someone who would rather be shooting a dice game with his homies
ray traylor would like to have a word with bj's dad regarding who exactly is the orignal bossman
ray traylor would like to have a word with bj’s dad regarding who exactly is the orignal bossman

8. the umpire: as poorly as the game went we were 2 very poor calls away from possibly being in a 3-3 ball game.  you can’t really blame the umpire though, i mean look at the guy… you expect his eyes to work properly when he has to look at that mug every day in the mirror?

not even his mother can love this... he should think about procreating with tj simers daughter
not even his mother can love this… he should think about procreating with tj simers daughter

the fact of the matter is that we got out of the trop with a split and we have yet to hit our stride… chances are that is not going to continue, we will break out of this slump at the plate.  the phillies didn’t deserve to win last night at all, but they were still only a couple of bounces away from taking it and had the tying runs on howards bat in the 9th inning.  the rays didn’t so much win that game as they managed to not lose it, and philly has set the pace in both of the games this series… ON THE ROAD!  This beerleaguer article sums up pretty much exactly how i feel after 2 games.



phillies drinking game: world series edition

22 10 2008
how dare johnny gomes try and make patron his signature drink... it's spoken for pal!

how dare johnny gomes try and make patron his signature drink... it's spoken for pal!

1. an announcer calls the rays a “team of destiny”- 1 drink
2. someone brings up the phillies rubber duckies- 1 drink
3. phillies make a 2 out hit- 1 drink
4. ruiz turns the lineup over- 2 drinks
5. j-rol and utley roll up a double play- 3 drinks
6. fox’s pitch tracker shows the previous pitch as a ball- 1 drink
7. fox’s pitch tracker actually shows the previous pitch as a strike- finish drink
8. hamels strikes someone out- 1 drink (2 if they go down looking)
9. ruiz blocks a lidge slider in the dirt- 1 drink
10. any showing or bringing up of a “rayhawk”- 1 drink
11. any mention of how young the rays are- 1 drink (2 if it involves a graphic)
12. milt thompson interviews- 1 drink for everytime you think he could bench press 235 lbs (minimum 8 drinks)
12. any shots of werths mom in the stands- 1 drink and lower your pants
13. any ball hits a catwalk- 3 drinks, finish bottle if it doesn’t come down
14. any ken rosenthal sitings- 1 drink of mead or whatever it is hobbits drink
15.  screw it, i’m too excited to write/think… the phils are in the world series.  just get your drink all game/day long!!!

real talk: world series edition

22 10 2008

 what are you staring at?

 what are you staring at…  and why are you in my clubhouse??? shirtless???

 why are you in your clubhouse shirtless?

 that’s just how i get down… plus, i just got out of the shower with leslie gudel

 fair enough, lets go win a world series


 HELL YA… lets do it

 perman, where did you come from

 i was watching pat take down gudel in the shower obv

 did he go live (aka sans latex)

 nooooooo…. of course not

   hahahahahahah…. REAL TALK!


why i hate baseball on fox

21 10 2008

here is a comprehensive list of the reasons why i hate watching baseball on fox, although at least it means i don’t have to see what sort of crazy antics frank caliendo is up to on this weeks frank tv episode (frank tv: the show we hated before it had ever aired a single episode). 

1. fox pitch tracker: how horribly innacurate is this thing?  a ball that catches the corner of the plate comes out looking like it was a foot and a half outside.  pretty sure the best way to tell if a ball was on the plate or not is to have an over head camera that actually catches it as it crosses the plate… how come that technology was scrapped in favour of this crap.  at least joe buck said something about it last week, i’m pretty sure mccarver would jump off a bridge if pitch tracker told him to.

2. jeanne zelasko in hd: yikes, even leon phelps’ most disgusting bus station skanks thinks she lays on the makeup a little thick.  i do feel sorry for these people that have to be on tv in such high definition and even worse for celebs that have these photos of them posted on the internet where they look like they are taken with a microscope.  have you ever looked at yourself at that distance, not a lot of good can come of it.

3. the fox robots: haven’t these things been around since fox started doing the nfl in 1994? how are they still ingenuitive at this point? i think it’s about time these guys found there way onto the jawa sandcrawler with the rest of the bi-sexual robots (i’m looking at you C-3P0)* 

about as useful as betamax videos

about as useful as betamax videos

4. the commercials: did you know that 24 is coming back to the air this season???

5. kevin kennedy: he looks like he stole jeff kents rapist moustache

6. tim mccarver: having to listen to his unrelenting bias towards the dodgers last series almost caused to me to black out and pass the person in front of me while on my homerun trot… wait that was you tim, you self-righteous douche bag

going the way of billy packer...

going the way of billy packer...

 7. joe buck: i can’t think of an exact reason why i hate this guy but i certainly know that i do, and i know i am not alone.

8. shots of fox stars in the crowd: this was pretty much opitimized during bostons title run with jimmy fallon and drew barrymore, but its an annoying trend that has continued on.  i can’t wait to hear “look its brandon routh ‘star’ of the upcoming fox ‘hit show’ lie to me”.  i think i am actually going to jump out my window if local vancouver douche joshua jackson from that piece of shit show fringe is shown sitting in unreal seats at cbp…seriously i can and will not be held responsible for my actions.

9. when the numbers go up in flames if a pitch is over 95mph: we get it… it was a fast pitch.  unless it’s mad-dog, then flame away.  speaking of mad-dog and flaming, check out this photo of him

10. ken rosenthal: his height(or lack thereof) creeps me out.  when j-rol looks like he is towering over you in interviews you know it’s probably time for you to be heading back to shire with the rest of your hairy footed kind.*

this photo is not even doctored
this photo is not even doctored


*these two comments pretty much destroy any possible inclination that anyone may have as to whether i am even the slightest bit cool.

By the Way…..

18 10 2008

We’re going to the World Series….

Not sure how many times I’ll get to say that in my life.

We’re there.  We’re going to win.  Perman and I are getting a share (probably about twice as much as Eaton is getting…did anyone else see him smiling and celebrating like he ACTUALLY contributed ANYTHING to this….Seriously…he has the best job in baseball.  I used to think Bullpen Catcher was a hot job…hold the phone!!!! how about making approximately 6 million a year to be shitty..and still getting to have champagne…are you kidding me…If i had any say I would get LIVE on him…eg: ‘Yo, Eaton, good party right?’ and he would be all like..’yeah this is great’..and then I would say ‘so what are you doing here?’ then he would be like ‘what do you mean?’, and me; “seriously dude, get the fuck out of here, no one wants you around’…like those high school partys where you always had to make the geeky guy feel bad for trying to fit in)….(I can say that actually… I WAS that geeky guy in high school…I still might be actually)… I guess in a round about way I’m saying…. I feel bad for Eaton being so shitty.  Although at the same time, if my boss knew how shitty I was at work she would have hidden me in the bullpen by now too.  I guess some people are better at faking it….back to the point (read skip that whole last paragraph)

we deserve it.

Dear Pat

you are the bat

you hate girls.. that are fat.

You get big hits

late innings you sit(s)

You bought you’re wife some massive fake tits

You look really great

Standing at the plate

Heart full of hate

For the girls who don’t keep your DR*’s Private

But the sexycrimes knows

as your legend grows

It’s better to keep such things quiet.

Next time we come

to your Stadium

And cheer on your Bum

Remember that if it wasn’t for our blog and our cut-out Burrell faces on our pilgrimage to philly you wouldn’t be where you are right now…. we made you pat… we f-ing made you…would it kill you to smile at us? Would it?…. Wily Mo Pena loved us in Seattle (and we were trashing him)…. even after we told Coco that his straight brim didn’t quite fly with whitey.  We flew thousands of miles to see your face and all you did was ignore us….


You are our chum?

Did that poem work out as well as I thought it did?

*DR stands for date rape.

If anyone has tickets, a place to stay, a tent, a doghouse, a blanket…anything.  Please let us know.  Perman and I can get the days off…we can rent a car and apparently park it anywhere we want in south philly (that is fucked by the way)… We can get the flights, we can drink in the lot.. we’ll even re-create the press photo of shirtless Pat bicep curling in the dressing room (I just spent half an hour trying to find them on facebook…WHERE ARE THEY…epic photo shoot)….anyone with any kind of groundline… let me know… We are rich as hell…we don’t give a flying whatever, we don’t even give a hell (has anyone else seen the Kellen Winslow video)…. If you have something for us let us know….. we can be there for games 3,4,5….. all we need is a groundline….

Was I just begging there? maybe…I’m not above it.  Perih enrolled every email he knew for WS tickets…. I met his sister at the bus stop today….she was like “yah, sorry Steve, I didn’t win the lottery for tickets to the Phillies that I didnt’ even sign up for”… I told her it was okay… about 30 people called me in the last 2 days and were like…”sorry, I didn’t win the tickets…” Perman tried…. he tried alright… But it’s okay…pretty sure that Burrell….or at least the gay guy who loves feliz and thinks me and perman are gay together (hilarious email we got from a sexyfan who thinks we do each other) will come through

See you guys on saturday… maybe in your backyard, maybe in a ditch, maybe looking for places to live in with Pat…it is what it is… we will try to be there

I don’t want to say they can’t win without us…. they can….but it would be much better if we were there.

-prystline…thinks he is super funny on friday nights.